“I’m Danny Wexler and this is Channel 5 sports! The (undisclosed) football team has been raped in the ass by fate once again, booted from the first round of the playoffs as they failed to carry their inflatable turd past a chalk line in the grass as often as their opponents did. Here’s Hornets quarterback Mikey Wolford, flopping that right arm around like a retard while he tries to pass to a teammate that apparently only he can see. Aaaaand, it’s intercepted. Nice pass, ‘tard! Now here’s Spartans fullback Derrick Simpson, pumping those ****** thighs down the field like pistons on a machine designed for cotton picking. Ooh, nice tackle attempt there, Freddy Mason! You run like you’re taking it up the ass. I bet you could tackle that fullback if he was made of dick, couldn’t you, Freddy? But, he’s not, so final score, 41-17. May every Spartan die with a turd on his lips. All hail Korrok.”
Danny didn’t get to read any more highlights, as the newscast abruptly switched back to a visibly shaken anchor woman, who announced they would be right back. Commercial.
John clicked off the TV and I let out a long, resigned sigh. Without a word, we put on our jackets and walked out the door. We stopped by my tool shed first.