The Joke Thread

[Ktiger41]

All right, this is a new one for me.

Frank went to a bar one night and, after many drinks, joined in on a game of Russian Roulette. At the end of the night, he and another man had won large amounts of money and left the bar together.
"I'd like you to try my version of Russian Roulette," the other man said. "There are six doors. Behind each door is a beautiful naked women. When you open a door and walk in, the woman will give you oral sex."
"What's the catch?" Frank asked suspiciously.
"One of them is a cannibal."

A women stands naked in front of a mirror,she says "I'm fat and ugly" she says to her husband "pay me a compliment" he goes "your eye sight is spot on"
LOL.

idk why i lol'd.

anyway:

A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to
spend the night with her for $500. So they did,
and before he left, he told her that he did not
have any cash with him, but that he would have
his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the
way to the office he regretted what he had done,
realizing that the whole event was not worth the
price. So he had his secretary send a check for
$250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for
rent of your apartment. I am not sending the
amount agreed upon, because when I rented the
apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and
at home. Last night, however, I found out that it
had been previously occupied, that there wasn't
any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250.00 with the following
note:

Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect
a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied
indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of
it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the
space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill
it, please do not blame the landlady.

[Kosmo Yagkoto]

What is more useless than a paper weight?

Congress.

I seriously have not seen a more useless bunch of people in all of my life. It's a good thing that they don't work in the private sector, because otherwise they would be fired.

[Ktiger41]

What is more useless than a paper weight?

Congress.

I seriously have not seen a more useless bunch of people in all of my life. It's a good thing that they don't work in the private sector, because otherwise they would be fired.

In addition: If the opposite of pro is con then what's the opposite of progress?... Congress.

Now for the real post:

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their
parents couldn't afford it so they had it on the
same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a
honeymoon so they stayed home. That night the
mother got up becuse she couldn't sleep. When she
went by her oldest daughter's room she heard
screaming. Then she went to her second daughters
room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her
youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear
anything. So the next morning when the men left
the mother asked her oldest daughter. "Why were
you screaming last night?" The daughter said
"Mom you always told me if something hurt I
should scream."

"Thats true." She looked at her second daughter.
"Why were you laghing last night?"

The daughter said "Mom you always said that if
something tickled you should laugh."

"Thats also true." Then the mother looked at her
youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your
room last night?"

The youngest daughter said "Mom you always told
me I should never talk with my mouth full."

[VitaandTania]

A deaf couple gets married and spends an awkward night in the honeymoon suite. When the lights went out, they couldnt tell each other what they wanted--sex was a mess. In the morning, the man signs to his wife: "why dont we work out an easier system for the bed?" to which she signed back: "good idea, honey! if you want to make love, squeeze my right breast, and if you dont, squeeze my left breast." the husband thinks for a moment, then signs: "done deal. if you want to make love, reach down and stroke my penis once. if you don't want to make love, stroke it... 75 times."

[VitaandTania]

The American wrestler made it to the final round of the wrestling championships, with only the crazy russian to face. his coach pulled him aside before the bout, and gave the quick strategy talk: "kid, you got speed, you gotta use it! dont, whatever the hell for any reason, do not let him get you in the pretzel lock!! if he pulls you into it, you are a GONER!" the American nods, but no sooner than the bell rang, he felt himself get swept up into an excruciatingly painful twist--so painful that he almost blacks out. The entire population of people present turn their heads, not wanting to see the gruesome scene unfold. After hearing bone and sinew pop and ripple, there was an incredibly loud, blood curdling scream, followed by the loud WHUMP of two bodies hitting the canvas mat. Everyone looks up and sees the American atop the russian, pinning the bigger man down as though he were a baby. The coach caught up with him in the locker room afterwards: "kid, what the hell did you do in there? even the camera men turned away, nobody saw what happened!" the american looked to see who was watching, then quietly said "i was all twisted, see? i'm done for, i'm blacking out, and i look up and i see his crotch, right in front of my face. i'm losing, see, so i figures, what the hell, i'll give him something to remember me by! so i takes a bite!"
"WTF you bit him in the balls!?!?"
"let me finish, dammit! did you know that your body can pump with superhuman strength when you bite yourself in the balls?"

[Jase]

Heres a zinger:

Banned made a thread about jokes!













LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Joke may have been done before.

[Lesbian Robots]

A priest a rabai and a random white guy walk into a bar and the bartender says "what is this a joke?"

[Corey]

Heres a zinger:

Banned made a thread about jokes!LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Joke may have been done before.

He's attempting to steal funny from EP's funniest members.

[Azruelli]

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing pants made of saran wrap.
The psychiatrist says "Well, I can cleary see you're nuts."


If you're Norwegian, you might just want to skip this Ole and Nina Joke.

Nina and the Blizzard
On an Evening in December, Nina decides to go to K-mart, as she's walking out the door Ole yells out: "If It starts snowing, just follow a snow plow, he'll pass here eventually."
An hour and a half later right as Nina is walking out of the store, she notices a blizzard has started and a snowplow had begun plowing the parking lot.

Nina Followed the plow for hours, eventually it came to a stop and a man stepped out of it and asked, "I've noticed you've been following me until it's the wee hours of the mornin', what's your reason?"
Nina replies, "I was told to follow a plow if it started snowing, yours was the first plow I saw."
The Plowman, a little confused said "Well, I'm done with the K-mart parking lot, you can come with me to the pamida one if you like."

[Jetsetlemming]

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken.

[Banned]

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."












Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."

[Ktiger41]

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."












Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."

good stuff.

now for a few more:

1.) A guy comes up to a woman at the office and he
tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman
immediately goes to her supervisor to file a
sexual harassment suit. The supervisor says,
"What’s wrong with someone telling you that your
hair smells nice"? The woman replies, "he’s a
midget".

2.) A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;
it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished but amazingly neither of them are
hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman
says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm
a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should
meet and be friends and live together in peace
for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree
with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman
continued, "And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but
this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our
good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man
nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks
half the bottle and then hands it back to the
woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts
the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait
for the police..."

3.) There was a black kid and a white kid looking in
the white kids Sisters room through a window.
The white kids sister had her friends over and
they started changing. They took of their shirts,
then their pants, and then their bra's.

Finally they were gettin ready to take off their
panties and the black kid started runnin away.
The white kid is like what the fuck is he doing
and he started yellin, "Wait up, what the fuck
are you doin?"

The white kid finally caught up to the black kid
and said, "What the fuck are you doin man, it
was just gettin to the best part."

The black kid replies, "My mom told me that if I
ever seen a naked women I would turn to stone,
and I already felt somethin gettin hard."

[The Joker]

a blonde woman walks into a bar.


you think she would have seen it.
--------------------------------

a bloke gets told by the doctor after a check up that there's good and bad news.

bad news is that you're going to die in 2 days.
good news, the committie has decided to name the disease after you.
-----------------------------------------------
a aldy went to her counselar to tell him that she's thinking about divorce.
he asks why?
because my husband is becoming a little queer to sleep with.
you want to divorce him because he's asking you to do strange things intimately?
no and neither does the little queer.

[Jackhammer]

An American girl, a French girl and an African girl are traveling in a plane. The plane is about to crash. The American girl puts on make-up. Everyone was curious. "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!" she said. The French girl opens her bra, "the rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts!" she said. Then the African girl removes her knickers and says "fuck off, they always look for the black box first!"



A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. The cat fell in and the rooster laughed. The cat said a wet pussy always makes a cock happy…

[The Joker]

what's better than a dozen roses on a piano?

tulips on an organ.