The Joke Thread

[Ktiger41]

Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety
bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late
afternoon. As it gets closer to dusk and the old
streets start getting darker, the two girls start
riding faster, looking more and more flustered
and out of breath, when one girl turns to the
other and says, "I've never come this way before"

The other girl smiles and says, "It's the
cobblestones."

[NosRedna]

First post here!

How is procrastination like masturbation?
It's fun at first, but in the end you're just screwing yourself.

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times). 15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician."
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless."

Following is evidence that O.J. is not the killer:
They only found one glove - Michael Jackson actually did it.
The juice was capable of putting the squeeze on his ex-wife, but never beating the pulp out of her.
It is proven that murderers have little ability to think, but everyone has seen O.J. concentrate.
The pattern of stab wounds is irrefutable - any football fan knows that O.J. could never cut to the left.

[Matias]

Ive posted this joke somewhere on the forums but it was a very long time ago, but its a goodie.

Grandma Joke

This is a letter from someone's grandmother. She is
eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
-----------------------------------
Dear Granddaughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book
store and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper
sticker. I particularly sassy that day because I had
just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed
by a thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought the
sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did, what an uplifting experience that
followed..

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he
is, and I didn't
notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing
someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people
love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind
started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of
his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go!
Go! Go! Jesus Christ Go!" What an exuberant
cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window
and started waving and smiling at all those loving
people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in
the love! There must have been a man from Florida back
there because I heard him yelling something about a
"sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I
asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck
sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from
Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the
good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was
enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the
people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards
me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I
attended, but this is when I noticed the light had
changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters
grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I
noticed I was the only
car that got through the intersection before the light
changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed
the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all
the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove
away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!!

I will write again soon.

Love, Grandma

[Ktiger41]

First post here!

How is procrastination like masturbation?
It's fun at first, but in the end you're just screwing yourself.

Lolz.

Here's a good one:

A beautfiul woman walks into a doctors office and
the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism
goes out the window.

He tells her to take off her pants and he starts
rubbing her thighs. He says "Do you know what I
am doing?" She replies "Yes, checking for
abnormalities."

He tells her to take off her shrit and bra and
he starts rubbing her breats. He says "Do you
know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes,
checking for lumps and cancer." Finally, he tells
he takes off her panties, lays her on the table,
gets on top of her, and starts having sex with
her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies "Yes, getting herpies. That's why I
am here."

[Inferno.]

Lolz.

Here's a good one:

A beautfiul woman walks into a doctors office and
the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism
goes out the window.

He tells her to take off her pants and he starts
rubbing her thighs. He says "Do you know what I
am doing?" She replies "Yes, checking for
abnormalities."

He tells her to take off her shrit and bra and
he starts rubbing her breats. He says "Do you
know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes,
checking for lumps and cancer." Finally, he tells
he takes off her panties, lays her on the table,
gets on top of her, and starts having sex with
her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies "Yes, getting herpies. That's why I
am here."

LOL
Love it.

[Xena]

A man take his wife to the doctor and says "Doctor, I think my wife has Alzheimer's or AIDS. Which one is it?" The doctor replies "Well, put her on a long bus ride. If she comes back, don't fuck her."

A woman talks to her docter after her results come back from her tests. The doctor says "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have Alzheimer's and cancer."
"At least I haven't got cancer!" The woman replies.

A man walks into a bar. Ouch.

[Curses]

OK, Xena, hi.

You've become scarce round here, nowadays, but I think this could be an appropriate time to ask this...

Some time ago, you told me a joke regarding Tom Jones. Remember? Something about a puzzle.
I didn't get it.

Can you explain it to me?
It played on my mind for a while, on average 4 times a week, during 2006.

Tell me a joke.

[NosRedna]

Best (or worst) riddle ever:

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

And now, in punishment, I will flog myself.

[Ktiger41]

1.) What does a women and a skillet have in common?

You have to heat them up before you slip the
meat in.

2.) The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day,
and they both go before St. Peter to find out if
they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that
day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some
particular reason why she should go to heaven,
so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these.
They're the most perfect ones God ever created,
and I'm proud to own them.

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks The Queen the
same question.

She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a
bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up,
and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that
all about? I show you two of God's own creations,
she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and gets in
and I don't?!!!"

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal
flush beats a pair any day."

[NosRedna]

All right, this is a new one for me.

Frank went to a bar one night and, after many drinks, joined in on a game of Russian Roulette. At the end of the night, he and another man had won large amounts of money and left the bar together.
"I'd like you to try my version of Russian Roulette," the other man said. "There are six doors. Behind each door is a beautiful naked women. When you open a door and walk in, the woman will give you oral sex."
"What's the catch?" Frank asked suspiciously.
"One of them is a cannibal."

[Xena]

OK, Xena, hi.

You've become scarce round here, nowadays, but I think this could be an appropriate time to ask this...

Some time ago, you told me a joke regarding Tom Jones. Remember? Something about a puzzle.
I didn't get it.

Can you explain it to me?
It played on my mind for a while, on average 4 times a week, during 2006.

Well you see, someone took a picture of Tom Jones and turned it into a 1000 peice jigsaw puzzle. But Tom Jones ordered that 83 of the peices be removed from the puzzle. It's "funny" because it suggests that the picture was in fact, a picture of Tom Jones in the nude. You can work out the rest.
(Note to self: Should be funnier)

Here's one for Sprung:
How many ears does Dr.Spock have?
3. A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

It just came to me!

Oh and one more:
A boy was born as just a head. He had no arms, no body, no legs. He was just a head.

So on this boy's 18th birthday, his dad takes him to the local pub and buys him a pint of beer. The boy starts drinking and... woah... it's amazing! A body sprouts from his head. So his dad hurries to buy another pint of beer and gives it to his son again. Wow! Now some arms have sprouted! The boy now gulps down a third pint of beer, and his dream has come true! He now has legs. The boy get's so excited that he runs out of the pub and onto the road, where he is run over by a car and killed. The barman comments: He should have quit while he was ahead...

[Sprung]

Here's one for Sprung:
How many ears does Dr.Spock have?
3. A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

I heard that one on the radio the other day

welcome back

[Ktiger41]

This one is hilarious:

One day a twelve year old walks into a house of
ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string
behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the
counter and says, "I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "She has to have
active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and
ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the
counter and says "Active herpes." She responds,
"Okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes."

Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go
upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their
deal...

As he's leaving, the madam asks him, "Okay, why
did you want someone with active herpes?" The
twelve year old replies, "When I get home, I'm
going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom
and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter
to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then,
when he gets back, he and mom are going to go
upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after
dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and
mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard
that ran over my frog.

[Jackhammer]

These two old guys, Harry and Ted, are in the workers rest room of the local mortuary
when one of the young apprentice morticians comes running in and says very excitedly,
"I think you ought to come and have a look at the old woman in room three, drawer twenty one."

"Oh yeah," replies Harry, "and why is that then?"

"I know this sounds really strange but she's got a whelk up her fanny" said the young lad excitedly.

"Look, we'll come and have a look after we've finished our coffee break," said Harry,
"but I don't think we'll find a whelk up her fanny. I don't think you know what the bloody
hell you're talking about young man!"

Having finished their coffees Harry and Ted go into room three with the young lad and
pull out drawer twenty one. Harry takes off the white sheet covering the old woman's
naked body and asks the young lad and old Ted to hold and part a leg each while he
investigates with his torch.

"There it is," cried the young lad excitedly, "There's the whelk. I told you she had a whelk
up her fanny but you wouldn't believe me."

"That's not a whelk, you pratt," growled old Harry, "That's her clitoris. They get like that
when they're this old"

"Well, it sure tastes like a whelk," said the young lad.

[naruto1992]

A women stands naked in front of a mirror,she says "I'm fat and ugly" she says to her husband "pay me a compliment" he goes "your eye sight is spot on"
LOL.