The Joke Thread

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"



One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

A few race jokes(I apologize in advance if this offends):

*Why doesn't Mexico have a Navy?
Because cardboard doesn't float

*What's the difference between a cue ball and an illegal immigrant?
The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.

*Why is it wrong to push a car off a cliff with three Mexicans in it?
Because you can fit five?

*How do you take a census in Iraq?
Throw in a bar of soap and count the number of people running away.

*Why do mexicans buy Cabbage Patch dolls?
Because they come with birth certificates.

*Why is there so little great mexican or black literature?
Spray paint wasn't invented until 1950.

*What's the slowest thing in the world?
A mexican funeral precession with only 1 set of jumper cables.

*Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in
Mexico?
They don't want to wear out the donkey.

*Did you hear about the two mexicans on "That's Incredible"?
One had auto insurance and the other was an only child.

*What do you call four Puerto Ricans in quicksand?
Quatro cinco

*Why do mexicans eat refried beans?
So they can take a bubble bath at night

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world.

After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try to buy up all the drugs themselves and thereby remove them from circulation. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to buy the different types of drugs.

The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:

"Who is it?"

"It's Paul"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Paul?"

"Hashish from Morocco"

"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia"

"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"

"It's Matthew"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Matthew?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia"

"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"

"It's John"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring John?"

"Crack from New York"

"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"

"It's Luke"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Luke?"

"Speed from Amsterdam"

"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"

"It's Judas"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Judas ?"

"FBI, Everyone against the wall!!!"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by banned

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

---

Good one man. I lol'd.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JohnnyBlaze

A few race jokes(I apologize in advance if this offends):

*Why doesn't Mexico have a Navy?
Because cardboard doesn't float

*What's the difference between a cue ball and an illegal immigrant?
The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.

*Why is it wrong to push a car off a cliff with three Mexicans in it?
Because you can fit five

*Why do mexicans buy Cabbage Patch dolls?
Because they come with birth certificates.

*Why is there so little great mexican or black literature?
Spray paint wasn't invented until 1950.

*Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Mexico?
They don't want to wear out the donkey.

---

These are good.

Now here's my next contibution:

1.) Why do blondes cut the strings off their tampons?
So the crabs don’t start bungee jumping.

2.) Why are blondes quiet when they're having sex?
Because they were told not to talk to strangers.

3.) Bill, Bob and Bernie are discussing their
wives´Christmas presents.

This year, "I'm buying my wife a necklace and
a scarf. That way if she doesen't like the
necklace she can cover it with the scarf", says
Bill.

Bob Says "I'm getting mine a ring and a pair of
gloves. So if she doesn´t like the ring she can
cover it with the gloves".

Bernie says: "I'm buying my wife a hat and a
dildo, if she doesnt like the hat, she can go
fuck herself!"

Why are blonde girls' belly buttons bruised?

Because blonde guys aren't that smart either.

Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety
bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late
afternoon. As it gets closer to dusk and the old
streets start getting darker, the two girls start
riding faster, looking more and more flustered
and out of breath, when one girl turns to the
other and says, "I've never come this way before"

The other girl smiles and says, "It's the
cobblestones."

First post here!

How is procrastination like masturbation?
It's fun at first, but in the end you're just screwing yourself.

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times). 15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician."
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless."

Following is evidence that O.J. is not the killer:
They only found one glove - Michael Jackson actually did it.
The juice was capable of putting the squeeze on his ex-wife, but never beating the pulp out of her.
It is proven that murderers have little ability to think, but everyone has seen O.J. concentrate.
The pattern of stab wounds is irrefutable - any football fan knows that O.J. could never cut to the left.

Ive posted this joke somewhere on the forums but it was a very long time ago, but its a goodie. :D

Grandma Joke :)

This is a letter from someone's grandmother. She is
eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
-----------------------------------
Dear Granddaughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book
store and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper
sticker. I particularly sassy that day because I had
just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed
by a thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought the
sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did, what an uplifting experience that
followed..

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he
is, and I didn't
notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing
someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people
love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind
started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of
his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go!
Go! Go! Jesus Christ Go!" What an exuberant
cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window
and started waving and smiling at all those loving
people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in
the love! There must have been a man from Florida back
there because I heard him yelling something about a
"sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I
asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck
sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from
Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the
good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was
enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the
people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards
me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I
attended, but this is when I noticed the light had
changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters
grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I
noticed I was the only
car that got through the intersection before the light
changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed
the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all
the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove
away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!!

I will write again soon.

Love, Grandma

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NosRedna

First post here!

How is procrastination like masturbation?
It's fun at first, but in the end you're just screwing yourself.

---

Lolz.

Here's a good one:

A beautfiul woman walks into a doctors office and
the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism
goes out the window.

He tells her to take off her pants and he starts
rubbing her thighs. He says "Do you know what I
am doing?" She replies "Yes, checking for
abnormalities."

He tells her to take off her shrit and bra and
he starts rubbing her breats. He says "Do you
know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes,
checking for lumps and cancer." Finally, he tells
he takes off her panties, lays her on the table,
gets on top of her, and starts having sex with
her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies "Yes, getting herpies. That's why I
am here."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Ktiger41

Lolz.

Here's a good one:

A beautfiul woman walks into a doctors office and
the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism
goes out the window.

He tells her to take off her pants and he starts
rubbing her thighs. He says "Do you know what I
am doing?" She replies "Yes, checking for
abnormalities."

He tells her to take off her shrit and bra and
he starts rubbing her breats. He says "Do you
know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes,
checking for lumps and cancer." Finally, he tells
he takes off her panties, lays her on the table,
gets on top of her, and starts having sex with
her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies "Yes, getting herpies. That's why I
am here."

---

LOL
Love it.

A man take his wife to the doctor and says "Doctor, I think my wife has Alzheimer's or AIDS. Which one is it?" The doctor replies "Well, put her on a long bus ride. If she comes back, don't fuck her."

A woman talks to her docter after her results come back from her tests. The doctor says "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have Alzheimer's and cancer."
"At least I haven't got cancer!" The woman replies.

A man walks into a bar. Ouch.

OK, Xena, hi. :wav:

You've become scarce round here, nowadays, but I think this could be an appropriate time to ask this...

Some time ago, you told me a joke regarding Tom Jones. Remember? Something about a puzzle.
I didn't get it.

Can you explain it to me?
It played on my mind for a while, on average 4 times a week, during 2006.

Tell me a joke. :evilgrin:

Best (or worst) riddle ever:

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

And now, in punishment, I will flog myself.

1.) What does a women and a skillet have in common?

You have to heat them up before you slip the
meat in.

2.) The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day,
and they both go before St. Peter to find out if
they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that
day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some
particular reason why she should go to heaven,
so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these.
They're the most perfect ones God ever created,
and I'm proud to own them.

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks The Queen the
same question.

She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a
bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up,
and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that
all about? I show you two of God's own creations,
she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and gets in
and I don't?!!!"

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal
flush beats a pair any day."

All right, this is a new one for me.

Frank went to a bar one night and, after many drinks, joined in on a game of Russian Roulette. At the end of the night, he and another man had won large amounts of money and left the bar together.
"I'd like you to try my version of Russian Roulette," the other man said. "There are six doors. Behind each door is a beautiful naked women. When you open a door and walk in, the woman will give you oral sex."
"What's the catch?" Frank asked suspiciously.
"One of them is a cannibal."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Lethe°

OK, Xena, hi. :wav:

You've become scarce round here, nowadays, but I think this could be an appropriate time to ask this...

Some time ago, you told me a joke regarding Tom Jones. Remember? Something about a puzzle.
I didn't get it.

Can you explain it to me?
It played on my mind for a while, on average 4 times a week, during 2006.

---

Well you see, someone took a picture of Tom Jones and turned it into a 1000 peice jigsaw puzzle. But Tom Jones ordered that 83 of the peices be removed from the puzzle. It's "funny" because it suggests that the picture was in fact, a picture of Tom Jones in the nude. You can work out the rest.
(Note to self: Should be funnier)

Here's one for Sprung:
How many ears does Dr.Spock have?
3. A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

It just came to me!

Oh and one more:
A boy was born as just a head. He had no arms, no body, no legs. He was just a head.

So on this boy's 18th birthday, his dad takes him to the local pub and buys him a pint of beer. The boy starts drinking and... woah... it's amazing! A body sprouts from his head. So his dad hurries to buy another pint of beer and gives it to his son again. Wow! Now some arms have sprouted! The boy now gulps down a third pint of beer, and his dream has come true! He now has legs. The boy get's so excited that he runs out of the pub and onto the road, where he is run over by a car and killed. The barman comments: He should have quit while he was ahead...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Xena

Here's one for Sprung:
How many ears does Dr.Spock have?
3. A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

---

I heard that one on the radio the other day :P

welcome back ;)

This one is hilarious:

One day a twelve year old walks into a house of
ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string
behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the
counter and says, "I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "She has to have
active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and
ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the
counter and says "Active herpes." She responds,
"Okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes."

Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go
upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their
deal...

As he's leaving, the madam asks him, "Okay, why
did you want someone with active herpes?" The
twelve year old replies, "When I get home, I'm
going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom
and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter
to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then,
when he gets back, he and mom are going to go
upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after
dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and
mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard
that ran over my frog.

These two old guys, Harry and Ted, are in the workers rest room of the local mortuary
when one of the young apprentice morticians comes running in and says very excitedly,
"I think you ought to come and have a look at the old woman in room three, drawer twenty one."

"Oh yeah," replies Harry, "and why is that then?"

"I know this sounds really strange but she's got a whelk up her fanny" said the young lad excitedly.

"Look, we'll come and have a look after we've finished our coffee break," said Harry,
"but I don't think we'll find a whelk up her fanny. I don't think you know what the bloody
hell you're talking about young man!"

Having finished their coffees Harry and Ted go into room three with the young lad and
pull out drawer twenty one. Harry takes off the white sheet covering the old woman's
naked body and asks the young lad and old Ted to hold and part a leg each while he
investigates with his torch.

"There it is," cried the young lad excitedly, "There's the whelk. I told you she had a whelk
up her fanny but you wouldn't believe me."

"That's not a whelk, you pratt," growled old Harry, "That's her clitoris. They get like that
when they're this old"

"Well, it sure tastes like a whelk," said the young lad.

A women stands naked in front of a mirror,she says "I'm fat and ugly" she says to her husband "pay me a compliment" he goes "your eye sight is spot on"
LOL.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NosRedna

All right, this is a new one for me.

Frank went to a bar one night and, after many drinks, joined in on a game of Russian Roulette. At the end of the night, he and another man had won large amounts of money and left the bar together.
"I'd like you to try my version of Russian Roulette," the other man said. "There are six doors. Behind each door is a beautiful naked women. When you open a door and walk in, the woman will give you oral sex."
"What's the catch?" Frank asked suspiciously.
"One of them is a cannibal."

---

:rofl:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by naruto1992

A women stands naked in front of a mirror,she says "I'm fat and ugly" she says to her husband "pay me a compliment" he goes "your eye sight is spot on"
LOL.

---

idk why i lol'd.

anyway:

A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to
spend the night with her for $500. So they did,
and before he left, he told her that he did not
have any cash with him, but that he would have
his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the
way to the office he regretted what he had done,
realizing that the whole event was not worth the
price. So he had his secretary send a check for
$250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for
rent of your apartment. I am not sending the
amount agreed upon, because when I rented the
apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and
at home. Last night, however, I found out that it
had been previously occupied, that there wasn't
any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250.00 with the following
note:

Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect
a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied
indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of
it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the
space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill
it, please do not blame the landlady.

What is more useless than a paper weight?

Congress.

I seriously have not seen a more useless bunch of people in all of my life. It's a good thing that they don't work in the private sector, because otherwise they would be fired.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kosmo Yagkoto

What is more useless than a paper weight?

Congress.

I seriously have not seen a more useless bunch of people in all of my life. It's a good thing that they don't work in the private sector, because otherwise they would be fired.

---

In addition: If the opposite of pro is con then what's the opposite of progress?... Congress.

Now for the real post:

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their
parents couldn't afford it so they had it on the
same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a
honeymoon so they stayed home. That night the
mother got up becuse she couldn't sleep. When she
went by her oldest daughter's room she heard
screaming. Then she went to her second daughters
room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her
youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear
anything. So the next morning when the men left
the mother asked her oldest daughter. "Why were
you screaming last night?" The daughter said
"Mom you always told me if something hurt I
should scream."

"Thats true." She looked at her second daughter.
"Why were you laghing last night?"

The daughter said "Mom you always said that if
something tickled you should laugh."

"Thats also true." Then the mother looked at her
youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your
room last night?"

The youngest daughter said "Mom you always told
me I should never talk with my mouth full."

A deaf couple gets married and spends an awkward night in the honeymoon suite. When the lights went out, they couldnt tell each other what they wanted--sex was a mess. In the morning, the man signs to his wife: "why dont we work out an easier system for the bed?" to which she signed back: "good idea, honey! if you want to make love, squeeze my right breast, and if you dont, squeeze my left breast." the husband thinks for a moment, then signs: "done deal. if you want to make love, reach down and stroke my penis once. if you don't want to make love, stroke it... 75 times."

The American wrestler made it to the final round of the wrestling championships, with only the crazy russian to face. his coach pulled him aside before the bout, and gave the quick strategy talk: "kid, you got speed, you gotta use it! dont, whatever the hell for any reason, do not let him get you in the pretzel lock!! if he pulls you into it, you are a GONER!" the American nods, but no sooner than the bell rang, he felt himself get swept up into an excruciatingly painful twist--so painful that he almost blacks out. The entire population of people present turn their heads, not wanting to see the gruesome scene unfold. After hearing bone and sinew pop and ripple, there was an incredibly loud, blood curdling scream, followed by the loud WHUMP of two bodies hitting the canvas mat. Everyone looks up and sees the American atop the russian, pinning the bigger man down as though he were a baby. The coach caught up with him in the locker room afterwards: "kid, what the hell did you do in there? even the camera men turned away, nobody saw what happened!" the american looked to see who was watching, then quietly said "i was all twisted, see? i'm done for, i'm blacking out, and i look up and i see his crotch, right in front of my face. i'm losing, see, so i figures, what the hell, i'll give him something to remember me by! so i takes a bite!"
"WTF you bit him in the balls!?!?"
"let me finish, dammit! did you know that your body can pump with superhuman strength when you bite yourself in the balls?"

Heres a zinger:

Banned made a thread about jokes!













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:wacko: Joke may have been done before.

A priest a rabai and a random white guy walk into a bar and the bartender says "what is this a joke?"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jase

Heres a zinger:

Banned made a thread about jokes!LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
:wacko: Joke may have been done before.

---

He's attempting to steal funny from EP's funniest members. :harold:

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing pants made of saran wrap.
The psychiatrist says "Well, I can cleary see you're nuts."


If you're Norwegian, you might just want to skip this Ole and Nina Joke. :wacko:

Nina and the Blizzard
On an Evening in December, Nina decides to go to K-mart, as she's walking out the door Ole yells out: "If It starts snowing, just follow a snow plow, he'll pass here eventually."
An hour and a half later right as Nina is walking out of the store, she notices a blizzard has started and a snowplow had begun plowing the parking lot.

Nina Followed the plow for hours, eventually it came to a stop and a man stepped out of it and asked, "I've noticed you've been following me until it's the wee hours of the mornin', what's your reason?"
Nina replies, "I was told to follow a plow if it started snowing, yours was the first plow I saw."
The Plowman, a little confused said "Well, I'm done with the K-mart parking lot, you can come with me to the pamida one if you like."

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken. :wacko:

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."












Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by banned

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."












Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."

---

good stuff. :nod:

now for a few more:

1.) A guy comes up to a woman at the office and he
tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman
immediately goes to her supervisor to file a
sexual harassment suit. The supervisor says,
"What’s wrong with someone telling you that your
hair smells nice"? The woman replies, "he’s a
midget".

2.) A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;
it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished but amazingly neither of them are
hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman
says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm
a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should
meet and be friends and live together in peace
for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree
with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman
continued, "And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but
this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our
good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man
nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks
half the bottle and then hands it back to the
woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts
the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait
for the police..."

3.) There was a black kid and a white kid looking in
the white kids Sisters room through a window.
The white kids sister had her friends over and
they started changing. They took of their shirts,
then their pants, and then their bra's.

Finally they were gettin ready to take off their
panties and the black kid started runnin away.
The white kid is like what the fuck is he doing
and he started yellin, "Wait up, what the fuck
are you doin?"

The white kid finally caught up to the black kid
and said, "What the fuck are you doin man, it
was just gettin to the best part."

The black kid replies, "My mom told me that if I
ever seen a naked women I would turn to stone,
and I already felt somethin gettin hard."

a blonde woman walks into a bar.


you think she would have seen it.
--------------------------------

a bloke gets told by the doctor after a check up that there's good and bad news.

bad news is that you're going to die in 2 days.
good news, the committie has decided to name the disease after you.
-----------------------------------------------
a aldy went to her counselar to tell him that she's thinking about divorce.
he asks why?
because my husband is becoming a little queer to sleep with.
you want to divorce him because he's asking you to do strange things intimately?
no and neither does the little queer.

An American girl, a French girl and an African girl are traveling in a plane. The plane is about to crash. The American girl puts on make-up. Everyone was curious. "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!" she said. The French girl opens her bra, "the rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts!" she said. Then the African girl removes her knickers and says "fuck off, they always look for the black box first!"



A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. The cat fell in and the rooster laughed. The cat said a wet pussy always makes a cock happy…

what's better than a dozen roses on a piano?

tulips on an organ.

:wacko:

George Bush is our President !!

:gaffaw:


no but seriously , political jokes are awesome !! I just can't remember any right now !

1.) A little boy was asked at school what his dad
did for a living. The boy replied by saying "My
daddy eats light bulbs."

The teacher asked him how his father eats the
light bulbs.

The boy replied, "I don't know, but I walked
past mommy and daddy's room last night and I
heard daddy say, ‘honey if you'll turn off
that light, I’ll eat it’."

2.) Two blondes are walking in the forest.

One looks down and says, "Look, deer tracks".

The other blonde looks down and says, "Those
aren't deer tracks, those are bear tracks".

Half an hour later they were still arguing, when
the train hit them.

3.) One morning while making breakfast, a man walked
up to his wife and pinched her on her rear and
said, "You know if you firmed this up we could
get rid of your girdle." While this was on the
edge of intolerable, she thought herself better
and replied with silence.

The next morning the man hold his wife with a
pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you
firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled
over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death
grip in place she said, "You know, if you firmed
this up we could get rid of your brother."

4.) A blind man interviews for a job as a quality
controller at the local wood mill. The manager
calls the blind man into his office and asks him
how he expected to do this job since he was
blind. The blind man replied he would do it by
smell. The manager decides to test him and places
a piece of wood in front of him. The manager
asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind
man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir."
"Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one."
"That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind
man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on
the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up
her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans
face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “can
you turn it around?" The secretary turns around
and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says,
"Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly
what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house
door off a tuna boat!"


That should be enough for now folks.

A black pirate walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. One of the other pirates says"Oh man, where'd you get that thing!?'
to which he replies "Raawk, Africa!"

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly amazing.

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.



Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did this several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.



Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wonder if this was the same elephant.



Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant.