An untold story.

[Evans]

Actually now I feel even worse, because I just realized that in my subconscious I only want people to feel sorry for me. Damn how selfish, I apologize for my wankery.

No need be, I think you just wanted to know if your reactions were over the top or just common. I believe they're just that, a common occurence. Most people feel bad at some point, you just didn't see it coming or weren't frank with yourself. No harm there.

I really don't express deep things like this simply because I don't feel that it's possible for me. It's not that I don't have friends to talk about this: I simply don't have friends. I do have what the majority of people would find acceptable as "friends", but it's just the bullshit things everyone deals with, I can't and I doubt anyone else could be so open with this common kind of "friend". I also don't have a family anymore. Everyone in my family is so distant(both literally and in a personal sense).

Well, again, same here. The only people I can really call friends are on the net. They don't BS me, I don't BS them.
You say that you can't express deep thoughts, but you just did. Take my advice, it helps a lot to share.

I have excellent communication skills but only on the formal level. If you met me in person you would have NO IDEA what is going through my mind, hell I've had this thing haunting me for almost a year now and no one has caught on(not the college thing, but other products of my unmotivation). At times my brother's girlfriend had seemed to catch on but she doesn't realize it anymore, now I just seem normal though I actually am more depressed than I have ever been.

You could try to let it be known that you're going through some bad moments, maybe they could help you out better then.

I like the fact that you folks goodheartedly gave me some advice, I am very grateful, but I do realize that only I can actually help myself. I just can't seem to do it.

You're welcome.
Sure, we can't drop by your house and sort your stuff out, but we sure can help you to the extent that the internet lets us, which is better than nothing. See, the problem may reside in the fact that you believe that you can't do nothing about your life. It's completly false, you can help yourself. You seem convinced of that, now how can you do otherwise? You should try to forget the bad shit that's befell, and focus on the stuff to do: studying to make sure that you can get a decently paying job.

I never was the kind that bent under others' expectations, I pretty much have lived my whole life under my own path. This is not to say I had discipline, though.

Time to change that, I believe. Maybe a bit of it would help you sort through all your problems.

The dark eyes thing... I know theres a medical term for it, it's just what you get when you don't sleep much. I rarely get real quality rest and I am forced to live off coffee.

It's of the utmost importance that you sleep well, for it brings you the much needed energy to go through a day. Really does wonders.

I frequently find myself formulating lame but true excuses against what I can possibly due to pull through my situation. I'm being close-minded about this, and I am generally more open minded than this.

I can't say that you're really close-minded about this, you can't be expected to deal easily with all that life throws at you. Gotta work a bit more than you'd have expected, but that's just it.

Keep at it, all will come clean.

[polobunny]

Have you told your brother how you feel? That seems like a good start. Tell him the whole story, he might be in a better position to help you than us.

[Evans]

To be honest, I really see things as an adult nowadays. I know he does some things for my own good and I do realize it, as well as stuff that went on with my parents when I was growing up. I always understood what went on way before anyone was aware of it.

But I don't know what causes my complete indifference towards everything. I have so sadly developed a massive inferiority complex. But I don't disguise it by being an asshole like the typical inferiority complex guy would do, I just behave normally because it's how I was raised. But I still see others that are already getting internships, co-ops, recognition from employers and are doing well in their academics and have way better jobs and do way more things than I could ever dream of handling. So it just makes my self wither even more. I can't help but avoid everything and it only makes things worse, so deeply that there is nothing - no firm issue or dilemma- for me to confront. So I basically am my own enemy, and boy am I getting my ass kicked.

Fuck, I'm sorry to depress you all with this scenario, I feel like I'm pulling your minds down with me so I apologize if you have now become depressed or something.

Hum, looking at people who are doing better than you and feeling bad about it will bring you nothing but contempt for yourself. There will always be someone better off or just better than you, it's a sad fact of life.

Don't worry, no need for an apology.

[DementedLullaby]

Therapy is expensive though

[Soeru]

Well, again, same here. The only people I can really call friends are on the net. They don't BS me, I don't BS them.
You say that you can't express deep thoughts, but you just did. Take my advice, it helps a lot to share.

I believe I was misunderstood. I was talking about IRL acquaintances. Like no one ever talks deep with plain old buddies, which is the general concept of "friends".

You could try to let it be known that you're going through some bad moments, maybe they could help you out better then.

I can't just go around looking depressed or talking about my problems to other people, that would just be too weird and I would just be avoided.

Time to change that, I believe. Maybe a bit of it would help you sort through all your problems.

Another misunderstanding I believe. I meant to say that I DID have discipline, very good discipline in fact.

It's of the utmost importance that you sleep well, for it brings you the much needed energy to go through a day. Really does wonders.

Yeah, I know. But I just don't sleep peacefully, I can't avoid it.


Well time to catch some sleep. Hopefully tommorow I'll feel better, but I'm already going to fail that exam. That's not pulling me down though, I don't get stressed over assessments. Again I appreciate the help. Good night.

[Mikey_]

have a good night sleep.

[Evans]

Good luck and good night to you too.
BTW, maybe you could try something with the psychology department at your college or school, if there is one. I've known people who have gotten free therapy from teachers or grad students they didn't even know.

[MasJ]

Hopefully you slept well and when you read this you'll be in higher spirits.
I wouldn't say you're depressed because you still want to pull yourself out of your situtation. First off, I don't understand the deal between your brother and you but you shouldn't have to give him all your pay. Obviously you're entitled to keep some of it, for yourself and obviously you should give him some since he lets you stay with him.
You're basically suffering from lack of motivation. And the reason for that is because you're not getting proper rest and over stressing. It can happen to anyone, really. The only thing I can see is that you're in a situation that you're feeling helpless in, but the point is, you're just feeling helpless, you're not helpless. Too much coffee will also depress you. One thing, ditch the caffeine in your life, you'll feel better. An apple can give you the same boost that coffee can, but without any depressing side effects (infact, a cold apple will make you feel pretty happy..). Try that.
I can totally understand how difficult it is to put college + work and then try and get good grades. It can be a monumental task so don't blame yourself for not being able to achieve it, you have other stress factors pushing you down.
About the academic scholarship, if you want to continue with college you might want to start looking in for other financial options.
Get some exercise, you'll feel like you can do more in life. It'll give you a nice shot of testosterone in your blood stream and you'll feel re-energised.
Do stuff that makes you happy, listen to a lot of music spend a lot time with your guitar.
First you need to feel happy, only then will your productivity level rise. You're already overstressed and that'll keep you from trying to make yourself happy. (OMG! I have no time to do happy stuff, so much on my mind, so much to do..I'm in such a situation..). That's a thought you have to avoid. Don't let that pull you back. Go see a movie, get some fresh air, go for a walk in the evening or for a jog. Go see a beautiful sunrise/sunset. Basically pull yourself out of that rut and get going. The motivation will come automatically. First you need a sense of well being.
If you don't feel like talking to your brother about it right now, don't. Talk to your college people about your difficulties and how your mother cannot come and if there's ANY other option. You'll find a way, just need the will : ).
I know it's not that easy, but you gotta start somewhere and I suggest you start by making yourself happy by doing things you like, the rest will follow.

[X-EvansBasher-X]

I know it sounds corny, but as (the way overused cliche goes) the day is darkest before the dawn. The trick is to come up with a strategy to make things work. No matter what you must do, how you must survive, find the cheapest and safest way to navigate around all the sh*t in your path. Even the best of people have dark days, and it seems the more people I meet in life, the more I see that money is no sign of happiness. The meaning of life eludes so many people, discover what it means to you!!

Take all the advice on exercise and use it. If your body is not at peace, your mind won't be.

Don't work on excuses, come up with a plan, a GOOD PLAN, and a backup plan and a backup for that plan. Be prepared by writing down your thoughts, keep it in a safe place, and then work toward feeling better. As long as you know what needs to be done, you can go that route if you have to. Consider ALL options, it is your survival that matters. The first rule of survival is to consider only yourself! (That's Ziggys catchphrase in Xenosaga

Try the best path that will clear your mind. Have you looked on Google to see if you have a sleeping disorder? There are some good forums here and here where you can describe how your body feels, a solution to your sleep problems. Don't feel bad if you do, many people have insomnia or need to take a nap during the day. Is your diet balanced? Too many sugars or too little vegetables don't help with vitamin balance. The mind is a very complex thing, I've learned from A&P that if the seratonin levels are off, it can wreck havoc on brain function. Surprising that sugar IS WORSE than alcohol but caffeine can be worse than everything else. The secret is balance. Balance what you eat, your schedule, your free time, and life becomes easier.

Unlike some of the advice here, play things with your brother VERY CLOSE to your vest. Meaning, do not reveal how you feel about him or your personal life situation. Just say you were a bit spastic, a bit upset, but everything is OK now. Continue paying him like you have. Find out if their are other boarding options available. I doubt he would want to lose that money, but people do very strange things to others over $$$. Keep your cash on you from now on, or in a safe place. (Just FYI...I keep a coffee pot buried about a foot below dirt in my back yard, with about $500 in it. If something were to happen, I have an escape plan & that cash. Call it a rainy day fund.)

Sometimes people like to get out what is inside of them. Have you considered a group therapy session, where you just speak out how you feel to a group of strangers? Believe it or not, it is very liberating to tell a large group of people how you feel. They call this a "group shout" in some countries, in the U.S. we refer to it as venting (your frustrations). I was almost arrested in my teens for walking down the alley in a neighborhood and screaming at the top of my lungs over the death of a close family member. Ummm...don't try that...but if you get out your frustrations, its like releasing a bit of evil from the body. No matter your religion, realize that bad things manifest themself in the mind and body. Your soul is all powerful, with the ability to heal from wounds. Whether those be physical or psychological, the soul is the essence of a human being. With a strong soul, you can literally climb Mount Everest. With a weak soul, you might stay in bed for a week and be unable to get up. Find your physical weakness (bad sleep patterns....search Google and this other site. An answer for your sleep problems may be a fast solution to all your problems! Don't hesitate to change your life, RIGHT NOW, with a few minutes of your time. Be STRONG! Take the challenge and conquer it.

Just be calm, continue playing your guitar and doing things to ease your mind. Music is great. I stink at playing instruments, but listening to others is awesome. The best possible thing you can do for yourself is to improve your health and open you mind. Have you considered meditation? There are yoga & Buddhism classes that are free to the public, where you can sit and close your eyes while being relaxed. If you have a GF that gives good massages, that is also cool.

Now is the time to be STRONG, consider all options to be INDEPENDENT, and not feel sorry for yourself, BELIEVE that YOU will have a better day. Say this to yourself every morning while looking in the mirror, until you can say it smiling and without hesitation:

I am a winner. Today will be a great day, and tomorrow will be a greater day. All that I wish to accomplish today, I will. Tomorrow will be my reward; I will relax. There is nothing in this world that stops me, and there is no one that can hurt me. I am immortal, I do not know pain. There will always be options. I raise my fist up and say that I will NOT give in. I'm here for a reason and I will accomplish all that I can. This is a good day, and tomorrow will be such a better day. With strength & course, I proudly say that I am...

(insert your name here).

OMG that was corny. You get an idea from this? This is your personal battle cry. Feel free to change it, but remember...positive and strong. And that goes for everyone, not just Soeru. Be the best that you can be. If you don't, there is someone waiting to take your place. And they will take everything that you own, your self-respect, and drill you into the ground. Just because.....don't ask me, I still don't know the answer (and don't want to).

Now print this entire thread out, save it to your hard drive, and let all of us help guide you from this dark day. This was your worst day, but tomorrow WILL be better. Today is a challenge, tomorrow will be your reward. Grab life by the balls and squeeze that m****rf***er until he screams "oh f**k Soeru I'm sorry, dude you win....please let go of my balls, dude. You're hurting me....oooooooeerrraarggh."

Life is made for winners, not losers. I know you're a WINNER. Now be one, go do it, kick @$$, take names, and remember this day.

You owe me $60 for this therapy session...I wanna go buy Dragon Quest VIII. Small bills, please. I take debit, MasterCard, Visa and Discover...but no American Express.

[Paladin_Hammer]

So your life sucks right now? Remember, once u hit bottom the only way left is up.

If you need a new job and want to get into shape, might I suggest joining a branch of the armed services? I've had friends go into the US Army weighting 240 pounds (all fat) and come out of basic training weighting less than 200 pounds and being solid muscle. If your like them, you will most likely not sent into combat. Try to get a job at a base, your required to stay in shape and you get paid for it!

Also, most governments pay for your college tuition if you join the military. Could be a great thing for you.

[Soeru]

So your life sucks right now? Remember, once u hit bottom the only way left is up.

If you need a new job and want to get into shape, might I suggest joining a branch of the armed services? I've had friends go into the US Army weighting 240 pounds (all fat) and come out of basic training weighting less than 200 pounds and being solid muscle. If your like them, you will most likely not sent into combat. Try to get a job at a base, your required to stay in shape and you get paid for it!

Also, most governments pay for your college tuition if you join the military. Could be a great thing for you.

The army is definately not the thing for me, mostly due to my pacifist nature and the fact that I am not American, but I appreciate the suggestion. I just wouldn't join the army because it goes against a lot of things I stand for.

It's finding the desire to pull forward that is haunting me, because at times I fear that I have none. I have no balls apparently, as I now seem to cower over even the smallest obstacles in my life. Where this weakness and unmotivation comes from is completely unknown to me because that's definately not how I've always been. I think I've realized the kind of person I am and I don't like it, as I thought I did in the past.

I schedueled an appointment with my advisor tommorow morning to know if failing a class and retaking it the next semester will kill my financial aid or not, therefore determining me staying in college or dropping out. Failing one of them is by now pretty much inevitable, but I at least want to know what the future holds.

MasJ, I too agree this is not the way that one should get along with a sibling, but there is absolutely nothing in my hands now. He expects me to pay a certain amount for living with him, yet he knows that I have no other place to go, so I believe he unknowingly is exploiting my situation(I have tried to make him see this on more than one occasion, but either he's a total dickhead stranger or he really doesn't care). I don't feel that he's a tyrant or anything, just inconsiderate and insensitive, so I have no choice but to live in these conditions.

I don't feel like shit right now because I'm not thinking about the shit that's going to happen soon, so I'm not worried.

I highly appreciate your help, everyone.

[X-EvansBasher-X]

Off topic:
This is not directed at anyone in particular, so please take no offense.

The U.S. is in war mode, and will be until that sack of s**t of a President is gone in 3 yrs (OMG that will be a long time). With talk of "going after" Iran, Syria and other countries....well do u think you'll stay in the U.S. for long?

How to get OUT of the military
Catholics against War & Terror
Mothers Against the Draft


The U.S. military is not a good idea right now

At this stage of the war, the U.S. military is an absolute, terrible mistake. You WILL end up in a danger zone. There are MUCH better places to be. From what you've said (bursar), I think you are outside the U.S.? Except for England and Australia, there is a very small chance of going there (to the Middle East). In that case, consider the military as a last resort.

You can build yourself up by reading books on training...

Now back on topic (my rant about the U.S. military and its cruelness hopefully in the back of your mind):

There are always options dude. People still live apart from society on nuts & berries. If it comes to it, a survivalist can subsist on practically nothing. Work from the ground up to TAKE BACK your life and CLAIM what is RIGHTFULLY yours. One day at time. Simply because it's all about..

...a life worth living, that you control.

Good luck.

[Evans]

Soeru, keep us updated, maybe new info will help us help you more efficiently. Take care.

HCG, is this really the time or the place to be tree-hugging?

[Vivi]

The only answer I would think is to get to know your brother more so he knows what you're going through and maybe he could be more leniant?

[Paladin_Hammer]

You can always join your nations military as a concisentous objector. Meaning they would still send you into basic (where you get your muscle) then they'd probably train you for as a medic or a driver (supply lines). Being in the military doesn't necesarrily mean your gonna hve to kill someone, or go to war.