Funny things said in court

[Paladin_Hammer]

Lee you pwn man. where did you find these?

[Gare]

I think I've seen these before, though it's still pretty funny.

[Josh]

Here are some more things. These aren't about court though.

*Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin...*

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, Northeasterners, North westerners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.

[Paladin_Hammer]

Here are some more things. These aren't about court though.

*Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin...*

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, Northeasterners, North westerners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.

I'm saving... ALL of this.

[artist088]

good for a couple laughs, but not much else...

[brit]

OMG, Josh. You've slain me with the court stuff. I've officially laughed myself to death. I can't tell you how I'm typing this, but know that I'm dead. Dead as leather.

[Mistral]

That looks familiar...oh, one of my friends had the Minnesota list.

RULES FOR VISITING MINNESOTA

1) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns: Fertile, Moorhead, Climax, Cummings, Gentilly, or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

2) Don't order a bottle, can, or glass of soda. Up here it's called pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

3) We know our heritage. Most of us are far more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.

4) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living up here. Naturally, we do have small lapses in judgment from time to time (Jesse Ventura), but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass back to Arkansas.

5) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so know your role and shut your mouth. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.

6) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well-done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.

7) Don't try to fake a Minnesota accent. We don't have an accent. Do NOT mention the movie "Fargo" as that will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.

8) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big city hell-holes like Detroit, New York, and L.A., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Northwest Airlines is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

9) Yes, we know that ice fishing is "not your thing." We don't care. If you don't understand the beauty of being out on a lake when it's 10 below, then you should go home and try fishing in New York Harbor. Also, if you hog the heater in the icehouse, we'll kick your ass.

10) Don't complain that Minnesota doesn't really have 10,000 lakes. We actually have more than 10,000, so if you whine, we'll kick your ass all the way back to that ghetto you call home.

11) So, you think we're quaint or losers because we live in the Northwoods? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't bitch about the mosquitoes. We have mosquitoes, you have rats and roaches. After the mosquitoes are done with you, we'll kick your ass for complaining.

13) Last, but certainly not least, DON'T YOU DARE to come here and tell us how the Vikings and Twins suck. Only Minnesotans and true fans are allowed to knock 'em down. If you do, this will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you'll go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.

Enjoy your stay! Explore Minnesota!

[Drageuth]

A couple of those were repeated. Most of them were kinda stupid, but there are a couple of good ones. The doctor/autopsy one is seriously getting old, though.

[Mistral]

A couple of those were repeated. Most of them were kinda stupid, but there are a couple of good ones. The doctor/autopsy one is seriously getting old, though.

I know...I'm guessing one is directly derived from the other. Not sure which, but I heard the Minnesota one on a comedy sketch first, at least, rather than an online list. From the example of the Revocation of American Independence list (which grew as fans added to it), I'd guess the shorter one came first, but...