The Wang-Out: You look adopted.

[TheRealSpiders]

In calendar terms, yes. However, I would be willing to wager you have spent a far higher percentage of your life being active on here than I. My activity died in 2005 when I found employment, booze and drugs.

I assume you found all three of them at once, simultaneously.

[Inferno.]

In calendar terms, yes. However, I would be willing to wager you have spent a far higher percentage of your life being active on here than I. My activity died in 2005 when I found employment, booze and drugs.

I was going out a lot late 2006, early 2007. After that I became a no lifer with no friends.

Once I get employment all my time and money is going on cars. Fuck the internet.

[D]

I assume you found all three of them at once, simultaneously.

They all came pretty close to each other. The first one was necessary to support the other two.

I was going out a lot late 2006, early 2007. After that I became a no lifer with no friends.

Once I get employment all my time and money is going on cars. Fuck the internet.

You say that, but you'll come crawling back. Going out in Newcastle couldn't be any more miserable if it tried.

[Inferno.]

I never said I was going out, I said I'll be spending my time restoring an old car no doubt.

[D]

I never said I was going out, I said I'll be spending my time restoring an old car no doubt.

Austin Maestro? Bet you're too young to remember them.

[Inferno.]

Austin Maestro? Bet you're too young to remember them.

Maestro my arse. I want a Mk1 or 2 Golf.

Or old Sierra.

Or old Escort.

Or... Lots of cars.

[Inferno.]

Someone help me bullshit my way through this please?

The person specification lists key areas essential to the position. Please demonstrate how you meet each area of the person specification, giving examples of how you have used your skills and personal strengths to meet these requirements.

Person Specification

Essential

• Minimum Level 2 Literacy and Numeracy Qualification (GCSE, O-Level, Key Skills)
• Ability to produce clear, comprehensive and accurate written reports and records
• Ability to create and maintain clear audit trails
• Ability to prepare and present statistical and written reports
• To possess well developed interpersonal and communication skills
• Excellent time management skills
• Ability to work on own initiative
• Be able to demonstrate working within a process driven environment
• Experience of using Microsoft Office ICT applications
• Willingness to take part in training and development opportunities relevant to job role
• Ability to work constructively and supportively as part of a team
• Flexible and adaptable to change
• Ability to prioritise workloads to meet deadlines
• Ability to develop and maintain appropriate relationships with colleagues, service users, suppliers and other professionals
• Good work-related health record

Desirable

• NVQ Level 2 (or equivalent qualification) Business Administration/Office Practice
• ECDL (or equivalent Level 2 ICT qualification) including Access
• Experience of working in a target driven environment
• Evidence of continued personal or professional development
• Understanding of equal opportunities
• Understanding of safeguarding vulnerable groups

I have none of the desirable, and not many of the essential...

[D]

Maestro my arse. I want a Mk1 or 2 Golf.

Or old Sierra.

Or old Escort.

Or... Lots of cars.

We used to have one of these, same colour, same reg. It was shit.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/2948569...9477/lightbox/

[Inferno.]

Oh aye I remember the Maestro son, I have a keen eye for old, shitty cars.

[D]

Person Specification

Essential

• Minimum Level 2 Literacy and Numeracy Qualification (GCSE, O-Level, Key Skills) - Not a retard
• Ability to produce clear, comprehensive and accurate written reports and records - Know how to spell
• Ability to create and maintain clear audit trails - Be prepared for a large amount of copying and pasting in Excel
• Ability to prepare and present statistical and written reports - Write up a Word doc with an Excel file attached
• To possess well developed interpersonal and communication skills - Say please and thank you and always request, never demand. General Microsoft Outlook etiquette required.
• Excellent time management skills - Get in on time
• Ability to work on own initiative - Don't constantly bug people for stupid shit, they're too busy
• Be able to demonstrate working within a process driven environment - Make sure you are able to follow instructions
• Experience of using Microsoft Office ICT applications - Click on Start > All Programs > Microsoft Office and pick the one you want
• Willingness to take part in training and development opportunities relevant to job role - Do what you're told
• Ability to work constructively and supportively as part of a team - Don't forget to spray your Lynx before you leave
• Flexible and adaptable to change - Be prepared to do any old shit that no one else wants to do
• Ability to prioritise workloads to meet deadlines - When you're told to do something, do it
• Ability to develop and maintain appropriate relationships with colleagues, service users, suppliers and other professionals - Don't swear, don't get involved in any dodgy relationships, go to the pub if asked
• Good work-related health record Turn up to work

Desirable

• NVQ Level 2 (or equivalent qualification) Business Administration/Office Practice I have this, I wouldn't count it as of any importance
• ECDL (or equivalent Level 2 ICT qualification) including Access I have this, I wouldn't count it as of any importance
• Experience of working in a target driven environment You're fucked here.
• Evidence of continued personal or professional development And again
• Understanding of equal opportunities Suggest that you are either gay or black
• Understanding of safeguarding vulnerable groups Try not to tip Harry out of the wheelchair

[Inferno.]

I've scrapped applying for that job, although it's made the bullshit on my CV stand out more.

I wish I had someone to look over it and tell me where I can improve though.

[D]

I've scrapped applying for that job, although it's made the bullshit on my CV stand out more.

I wish I had someone to look over it and tell me where I can improve though.

Send it over to me, or I can send you mine and you can copy the design. Or both.

[Inferno.]

Send it over to me, or I can send you mine and you can copy the design. Or both.

You on a computer right now? Add my new MSN you slut.

-email removed-

If you're not on a computer, feel free to email me your CV anyway

[Raype]

• Minimum Level 2 Literacy and Numeracy Qualification (GCSE, O-Level, Key Skills)

Point out how you're capable of reading and understanding the letter. Bring up your educational background. Be sure to note how your paperwork doesn't look like a jumbled mess. Possibly throw in a verbose sentence or two to exaggerate your cranial contents. Basically talk about how you finished high school and pull a Mistral once in a while.

• Ability to produce clear, comprehensive and accurate written reports and records

You've filled out job applications, jah? That sorta counts. As would tax returns and the like. If you've ever filed anything at that office cleaning job you pulled a while back bring that up. Otherwise bullshit that you occasionally were asked to assist in clerical duties due to the building being somewhat short staffed. Or something.

• Ability to create and maintain clear audit trails

Make up something about having to coordinate tasks with coworkers. Bring up this one accounting course you took years ago or something. If you've ever dabbled in gradual textual bits of monotony (like editing those master lists but something that can totally go on a resume) that's where you bring it up.

• Ability to prepare and present statistical and written reports

Erm, pretend to read the business section in your newspapers. Bring up other numerical courses you took or jobs you worked where you had to work shit out. If you want to really surprise them (potentially risky) do a bunch of backreading on the company and make an analysis of their economic dealings whilst citing things like dealers, mergers, and stock fluctuations. In the current economic downturn it's a good idea to compare their current state to competitors and point out how they're doing fucking awesome comparatively and that's why you want to work for them.

• To possess well developed interpersonal and communication skills

This one is mostly a no brainer. Just be as polite, direct, and easy to talk to as possible whenever you deal with anyone at the company. When you drop off the CV, be well kept together, friendly as fuck, and do not be afraid to talk to anyone you see. Introduce yourself and go for the handshake. The more people that see your face and recall your pleasant demeanour, the more likely your name might jump out. As for resume skills, bring up any social activities or social clubs you were in. No matter how vague or random it could be. Bitches love volunteer work and mentioning of how you're on a hockey team that gets together every thursday (but totally after work because I'm totally free and stuff)

• Excellent time management skills

If you've ever had to tell someone to do something it goes here. Seeing as you apparently had to handle cleaning of that office complex more or less alone (and unsupervised) you can bring that up. How you had to set aside appropriate amounts of time to handle each task in order to get everything done by the end of the day. So basically talk about how you're cool with handling your own work day and how you can totally handle working on a schedule/deadline.

• Ability to work on own initiative

See the last point. Pretty similar in terms of construct. Bring up how you can identify priority tasks and handle them in a timely manner. People love it when you say you can notice what needs to be done NOW and what needs to be done later.

• Be able to demonstrate working within a process driven environment

This is pretty much a BS question from the get go. You can say damn near anything here and get a pass. They're mostly just seeing how you handle it. For best results bring up some shit about how you're a great team player and have never shyed away from a task. Be sure to cite random BS examples from previous work experience and the like.

• Experience of using Microsoft Office ICT applications

Who doesn't? You can practically cite computer literacy and your age here. Chances are they might social media mine for info on you. In that case, you can bring up the fact that you're apparently computer literate enough to handle facebook and the like so you have no big issue with handling MSO.

• Willingness to take part in training and development opportunities relevant to job role

Ever had to do training for a job? Ever interned/apprenticed/volunteered? It goes here. I've worked days with decreased/no pay and have taken non-paying jobs as recently as a few months ago. I use them as examples of my willingness to work as well as my willingness to "better myself". Bitches eat that shit up. Look for something similar. Possibly. Or invent it in the coming months. The cost of a single job shift a week leads to a much cooler looking resume.

• Ability to work constructively and supportively as part of a team

Eh, it's redundant. Just reiterate any of the team stuff from before.

• Flexible and adaptable to change

Anything change related you dealt with goes here. Change in location, living situation, job title, job location, etc can all more or less be cited depending on how much you have to say or whatnot. It really depends on how good you are at BS and how well you can bring something up here. At your age "transitioning from school to work" is considered ADORABLE for some prospective employers if you can sell it right. It can be pretty hit or miss though. Like a lot of things, a job interview is often a gamble. You have to throw yourself out there if you ever hope to land a job.

• Ability to prioritise workloads to meet deadlines

This falls under the time management stuff. Just reiterate or elaborate.

• Ability to develop and maintain appropriate relationships with colleagues, service users, suppliers and other professionals

Again, more interpersonal stuff. Just bring up how you were totally student council president and captain of the basketball team or some shit.

• Good work-related health record

This one is BS. Places can't hire or fire based upon health. In any case, cite a great attendance record at work/school or something.

Desirable

• NVQ Level 2 (or equivalent qualification) Business Administration/Office Practice

Oh man, I'm all about the Excel. I could spreadsheet for days homies. Hey, do you guys use Access? Shit's dope. Blah blah, just use any of the osmotic computer knowledge you picked up and pass it off as legit training.

• ECDL (or equivalent Level 2 ICT qualification) including Access

Previous point.

• Experience of working in a target driven environment

Total BS point. It's similar to the process based one. Just bring up something stupid about how you've always gotten your assignments in on time and managed to get to work first thing and be well into cleaning desks before most employees even showed up.

• Evidence of continued personal or professional development

Just bring up anything you did the last few years. Anything goes here. And I mean ANYTHING. You can always bring up stuff you're looking into (even if you aren't/aren't pursuing it). Night classes. it's the blanket excuse for being a lazy git.

• Understanding of equal opportunities

Some of my best friends are black! In any case just don't have "hate crime" shit on your criminal record or some shit.

• Understanding of safeguarding vulnerable groups

Hackers onto my PC? Click here for free scan. I have a great security setup on my machine involving blah blah blah and the like. Yeah, it's one of those things. Just don't come off as a dumbass that doesn't know the difference between AV and MW.

[Inferno.]

• Minimum Level 2 Literacy and Numeracy Qualification (GCSE, O-Level, Key Skills)

Point out how you're capable of reading and understanding the letter. Bring up your educational background. Be sure to note how your paperwork doesn't look like a jumbled mess. Possibly throw in a verbose sentence or two to exaggerate your cranial contents. Basically talk about how you finished high school and pull a Mistral once in a while.

• Ability to produce clear, comprehensive and accurate written reports and records

You've filled out job applications, jah? That sorta counts. As would tax returns and the like. If you've ever filed anything at that office cleaning job you pulled a while back bring that up. Otherwise bullshit that you occasionally were asked to assist in clerical duties due to the building being somewhat short staffed. Or something.

• Ability to create and maintain clear audit trails

Make up something about having to coordinate tasks with coworkers. Bring up this one accounting course you took years ago or something. If you've ever dabbled in gradual textual bits of monotony (like editing those master lists but something that can totally go on a resume) that's where you bring it up.

• Ability to prepare and present statistical and written reports

Erm, pretend to read the business section in your newspapers. Bring up other numerical courses you took or jobs you worked where you had to work shit out. If you want to really surprise them (potentially risky) do a bunch of backreading on the company and make an analysis of their economic dealings whilst citing things like dealers, mergers, and stock fluctuations. In the current economic downturn it's a good idea to compare their current state to competitors and point out how they're doing fucking awesome comparatively and that's why you want to work for them.

• To possess well developed interpersonal and communication skills

This one is mostly a no brainer. Just be as polite, direct, and easy to talk to as possible whenever you deal with anyone at the company. When you drop off the CV, be well kept together, friendly as fuck, and do not be afraid to talk to anyone you see. Introduce yourself and go for the handshake. The more people that see your face and recall your pleasant demeanour, the more likely your name might jump out. As for resume skills, bring up any social activities or social clubs you were in. No matter how vague or random it could be. Bitches love volunteer work and mentioning of how you're on a hockey team that gets together every thursday (but totally after work because I'm totally free and stuff)

• Excellent time management skills

If you've ever had to tell someone to do something it goes here. Seeing as you apparently had to handle cleaning of that office complex more or less alone (and unsupervised) you can bring that up. How you had to set aside appropriate amounts of time to handle each task in order to get everything done by the end of the day. So basically talk about how you're cool with handling your own work day and how you can totally handle working on a schedule/deadline.

• Ability to work on own initiative

See the last point. Pretty similar in terms of construct. Bring up how you can identify priority tasks and handle them in a timely manner. People love it when you say you can notice what needs to be done NOW and what needs to be done later.

• Be able to demonstrate working within a process driven environment

This is pretty much a BS question from the get go. You can say damn near anything here and get a pass. They're mostly just seeing how you handle it. For best results bring up some shit about how you're a great team player and have never shyed away from a task. Be sure to cite random BS examples from previous work experience and the like.

• Experience of using Microsoft Office ICT applications

Who doesn't? You can practically cite computer literacy and your age here. Chances are they might social media mine for info on you. In that case, you can bring up the fact that you're apparently computer literate enough to handle facebook and the like so you have no big issue with handling MSO.

• Willingness to take part in training and development opportunities relevant to job role

Ever had to do training for a job? Ever interned/apprenticed/volunteered? It goes here. I've worked days with decreased/no pay and have taken non-paying jobs as recently as a few months ago. I use them as examples of my willingness to work as well as my willingness to "better myself". Bitches eat that shit up. Look for something similar. Possibly. Or invent it in the coming months. The cost of a single job shift a week leads to a much cooler looking resume.

• Ability to work constructively and supportively as part of a team

Eh, it's redundant. Just reiterate any of the team stuff from before.

• Flexible and adaptable to change

Anything change related you dealt with goes here. Change in location, living situation, job title, job location, etc can all more or less be cited depending on how much you have to say or whatnot. It really depends on how good you are at BS and how well you can bring something up here. At your age "transitioning from school to work" is considered ADORABLE for some prospective employers if you can sell it right. It can be pretty hit or miss though. Like a lot of things, a job interview is often a gamble. You have to throw yourself out there if you ever hope to land a job.

• Ability to prioritise workloads to meet deadlines

This falls under the time management stuff. Just reiterate or elaborate.

• Ability to develop and maintain appropriate relationships with colleagues, service users, suppliers and other professionals

Again, more interpersonal stuff. Just bring up how you were totally student council president and captain of the basketball team or some shit.

• Good work-related health record

This one is BS. Places can't hire or fire based upon health. In any case, cite a great attendance record at work/school or something.

Desirable

• NVQ Level 2 (or equivalent qualification) Business Administration/Office Practice

Oh man, I'm all about the Excel. I could spreadsheet for days homies. Hey, do you guys use Access? Shit's dope. Blah blah, just use any of the osmotic computer knowledge you picked up and pass it off as legit training.

• ECDL (or equivalent Level 2 ICT qualification) including Access

Previous point.

• Experience of working in a target driven environment

Total BS point. It's similar to the process based one. Just bring up something stupid about how you've always gotten your assignments in on time and managed to get to work first thing and be well into cleaning desks before most employees even showed up.

• Evidence of continued personal or professional development

Just bring up anything you did the last few years. Anything goes here. And I mean ANYTHING. You can always bring up stuff you're looking into (even if you aren't/aren't pursuing it). Night classes. it's the blanket excuse for being a lazy git.

• Understanding of equal opportunities

Some of my best friends are black! In any case just don't have "hate crime" shit on your criminal record or some shit.

• Understanding of safeguarding vulnerable groups

Hackers onto my PC? Click here for free scan. I have a great security setup on my machine involving blah blah blah and the like. Yeah, it's one of those things. Just don't come off as a dumbass that doesn't know the difference between AV and MW.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Raype again.

I don't recall ever giving you rep, but that post deserved it. Thanks, but I've decided not to bother applying for that job as it's way further up the work chain than I originally thought.

I am looking for office junior work as the lady said today, not high up administration jobs. Oh well.