Nigerian Scams and the like....

[Cyberxion]

FROM THE DESK OF:HAMMOND KLEEN
NATIONAL WESTMINSTER BANK,NATWEST
LONDON,
UNITED KINGDOM.
2/1/08.

Your Attn,

Compliments of the season and good day.I am Hammond Kleen, the system and
control director at the NATIONAL WESTMINSTER BANK,i am writing this letter
to solicit for support and assistance from you to carry out this business
opportunity in my bank.

Lying in an inactive account is the sum of Three Million Pounds
sterling(3,000,000:00GBPS) belonging to a foreign customer(Sperber Thomas)
who was a gas consultant here in UK.He happened to be deceased during a
business trip with his wife(Sperber Julie) on board the Swissair Flight
111 , which crashed into the Atlantic off Nova Scotia in september 2nd
1998.
Info of this crash was on the news which we have tried to notify his
relatives but to no avail,see links below for more detailed information:

http://cnnstudentnews.cnn.com/WORLD/....victims.list/
http://cnnstudentnews.cnn.com/WORLD/...8/swissair.02/

Ever since he died the bank has been expecting his next of kin to come and
claim these fund which cannot be released unless someone applies for it as
next of kin, as indicated in our banking guidelines.Unfortunately he has
no family member in UK or Over-sea who are aware of the existence of the
money.
At this juncture i have decided to do business with you by soliciting your
assistance in applying as the next of kin to the bank then the money will
be released to you,as i do not want the money to go into the bank treasury
as an unclaimed bill,because the banking laws and guidelines stipulates
that if such money(s) remains unclaimed for a period of ten
years(10yrs),the money will be moved into the bank treasury as an
unclaimed bill.
My request for a foreigner as next of kin is occasioned by the fact that
the customer was a foreigner and a British cannot stand as next of kin.

50% of the money will be your share as a foreign partner and your
assistance to actualise this business,thereafter i will visit your country
with your help once the money hits your account for disbursement according
to the percentage indicated.
To effect the immediate transfer of the fund to you as agreed,you must
apply first to the bank as the next of kin to the deceased,then we will
follow up all formalities for the transaction.

Upon receipt of your reply, i will send to you, the text of application
you are to send to the bank,and further clearify you in other issues as to
effect this business.
Awaiting to hear from you urgently.

Best Regards
Hammond Kleen.

Dear Mr. Clean.

Good day to you sir. I am sorry to hear about Mr. Thurgood Thomas' reacent foray into the realm of the deceased. Not too worried though, as his death has, by all accounts, afforded me a wonderful opportunity to amass substantial amounts of cash with little effort needed on my part.

Perhaps it was fate that put Mr Gerber on that particular plane on that particular day, I do not know. All I know is that I'm in dire straights right now, what with the legal fees I'm paying to keep my wife off of death-row. See, she allegedly murdered a visiting tourist from Nigeria, who she claims offered her a substantial sum of cash in some sort of heretofore undocumented get-rich-quick scheme. Suffice to say that I don't believe that my wife did it, even if I could understand how such underhandedness could incite a righteous rage once uncovered. It is costing me a fortune in legal fees to keep the courts from simply throwing the switch on the electric death-chair. I am hopefull though, as the Judge himself claims to have fallen victim to a similar scam in the past and is sympathetic to my wife's plight, even though he is bound by the law to send my wife to Hell should she be found guilty.

At any rate, I, not having any known kinship to Mr. Thurber, am unsure as to how I could legaly claim ownership of his estate. However, as you're a banker, I'm sure that you're privy to all sorts of legal loopholes that a normal Joe like me couldn't possibly hope to understand, and so will leave the legal side of the proceedings in your surely capable hands.

You seem like an upstanding person of good repute. I place great trust in your standing as a banker, and believe that you have only the best of intentions in contacting me regarding this exciting business opportunity. Please reassure my faith by responding to this e-mail personally. I would like to business with you and only you, and would be willing to cut you in on my share of the proceeds upon a satisfactory conclusion.

Please contact me soon,
Daniel Boone.

[Panda Man]

Mr. Hammond Kleen needs to learn how to type

[Dinosaurman]

Now that you've replied you're in for a whole helluva lot more spam.

Good read nonetheless.

[Panda Man]

Unless he's using gmail. That's got a god-like spam filter.

[Cyberxion]

Unless he's using gmail. That's got a god-like spam filter.

Yeah, it's been wonderful.

I get plenty of spam, but it all gets filtered straight through to my spam box, without fail. I just pulled this from the spam box, replied to it, then sent it straight back in.

[Cyberxion]

Hello friend/Partner,

Thanks for your interest in this business deal
and i assure you all will be well with us upon the completion of this
deal.

I contacted you because of the fact that the late SPERBER THOMAS
was a foreigner and it is only a foreigner that can apply as the next of
kin to the bank before they can transfer the money to him or her,this is
why i contacted you as a foreigner to pose as the next of kin so that
the funds will be transfer to you for our disbursement and be rest
assured it is 100% risk free and legitimate.

To get started,i want you
to contact the bank immediately on email
address:



[email protected]





Below is the text of application
you are to send to the bank.



THE BANK MANAGER,

NATWEST BANK
PLC,

UNITED KINGDOM.



SIR,



APPLICATION FOR THE RELEASE OF MY LATE
COUSIN'S FUND.



I AM------,THE COUSIN TO LATE SPERBER THOMAS. HE

HAD
A BANK DEPOSIT OF 3MILLION POUNDS IN YOUR BANK

WITH ACCOUNT NUMBER
20903469 AND REFRENCE NUMBER

6111NN08. HE TOLD ME BEFORE HE DIED THAT
HE HAD MADE

ME THE NEXT-OF-KIN TO THAT SUM UNTIL HIS UN TIMELY

DEATH.


SIR, I HAVE BEEN OUT OF ALL LEGAL MATTERS AS I HAD

A VERY BAD HEALTH
PROBLEM WHICH KEPT ME AWAY FROM ALL

ADMINISTRATIVE WORK,PLEASE I WILL
WANT YOU TO USE

YOUR GOOD OFFICE TO GRANT MY APPLICATION AS I AM THE


NEXT-OF- KIN TO THE LATE SPERBER THOMAS.



THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP.




YOURS FAITHFULLY,

-----------------.

Fill in your name in the
blank spaces and send it to the bank immediately.Endearvour to get back
to me as soon as you do so and most importantly always update me with
any mail from the bank so that I can always guideline you on how to
respond to them.



N/Bo not disclose to the bank that i directed you
to contact them,just send the text of application to them.This is
because all the board of directors and some officials in the bank has
already dialogue to transfer the money into bank treasury when i was
able to access the late SPERBER THOMAS's file where i copied out the
account number and claim reference number which i have included in the
text of application above which will prove as an evidence to the bank
that you are related to the late SPERBER THOMAS.

Conclusively,i await
update that you have contacted the bank.



Best Regards,

Hammond
Kleen.

Dear Mr. Kleenex,

Eager to make heaping loads of cash quickly and easily, I immediately contacted the bank as you instructed. I'm nothing if not greedy. However, the bank informed me that what I was doing was wrong. You see, when I told them that I was a cousin to the late Mr. Coffee as per your instructions, they in turn told me that I was a liar and a thief. They went on to say that I'm not only an evil, opportunistic son of a bitch, but that I was now going to go to Hell because of what I'd done.

Now, this wouldn't have bothered me much, as I am evil, and the very fact that I quickly jumped on the chance to make mega-bucks off of someone else's misfortune clearly shows that I am indeed an opportunistic son of a bitch. I don't even take offense at being called a thief, as I routinely steal candy from small children whenever I should happen upon one enjoying some.
However, it's what they said next that sent a shiver down my evil, money-grubbing spine. You see, they told me that I was going to go to prison for committing fraud. Not understanding what several of the words they used meant up to and including the word fraud, I contacted my lawyer and asked him what the hell they were on about. He told me that it essentially means that in claiming that I was someone that I wasn't in order to get some cash, I had committed a crime.

I've paid my dues, time after time. I've done my sentence, but committed no crime. And bad mistakes, I've made a few. I've had my share of sand kicked in my face, but I've come through. This time though, I'm told that I will be sent to prison. Prison! I'll be made to bend over and hold my ankles while a large man named Bubba has his way with me, and all because I chose to trust you! You told me that this was a sure thing. You made me feel as if I were on top of the world, but in the end I my good faith was proven to be in error. I am not only not on top of the world, but now I'll have to hold onto the soap in the communal showers, because one slip of the soap means a penis slipped into my virgin asshole.

This is the last e-mail I am going to be able to send. The Police are even now knocking on my door. In writing this e-mail, I have come to realize that death holds the only way out for me. Out of this sad life, where a not-so-good man such as myself suffers a wife who by all accounts killed a man for scamming her. A sad life in which I was brought low in my prime by greed.

Goodbye Mr. Clean, may your days be filled with the reminder that you sent a man to his death.

[Sprung]

Quoting We are the Champions is insta-mega-win.

Well done

[Raype]

I would like to state that Cyber gets me hot.

That is all.

[Fer!]

You made me feel as if I were on top of the world, but in the end I my good faith was proven to be in error. I am not only not on top of the world, but now I'll have to hold onto the soap in the communal showers, because one slip of the soap means a penis slipped into my virgin asshole.

Oh god.

[J]

Dear Mr. Kleenex,

Eager to make heaping loads of cash quickly and easily, I immediately contacted the bank as you instructed. I'm nothing if not greedy. However, the bank informed me that what I was doing was wrong. You see, when I told them that I was a cousin to the late Mr. Coffee as per your instructions, they in turn told me that I was a liar and a thief. They went on to say that I'm not only an evil, opportunistic son of a bitch, but that I was now going to go to Hell because of what I'd done.

Now, this wouldn't have bothered me much, as I am evil, and the very fact that I quickly jumped on the chance to make mega-bucks off of someone else's misfortune clearly shows that I am indeed an opportunistic son of a bitch. I don't even take offense at being called a thief, as I routinely steal candy from small children whenever I should happen upon one enjoying some.
However, it's what they said next that sent a shiver down my evil, money-grubbing spine. You see, they told me that I was going to go to prison for committing fraud. Not understanding what several of the words they used meant up to and including the word fraud, I contacted my lawyer and asked him what the hell they were on about. He told me that it essentially means that in claiming that I was someone that I wasn't in order to get some cash, I had committed a crime.

I've paid my dues, time after time. I've done my sentence, but committed no crime. And bad mistakes, I've made a few. I've had my share of sand kicked in my face, but I've come through. This time though, I'm told that I will be sent to prison. Prison! I'll be made to bend over and hold my ankles while a large man named Bubba has his way with me, and all because I chose to trust you! You told me that this was a sure thing. You made me feel as if I were on top of the world, but in the end I my good faith was proven to be in error. I am not only not on top of the world, but now I'll have to hold onto the soap in the communal showers, because one slip of the soap means a penis slipped into my virgin asshole.

This is the last e-mail I am going to be able to send. The Police are even now knocking on my door. In writing this e-mail, I have come to realize that death holds the only way out for me. Out of this sad life, where a not-so-good man such as myself suffers a wife who by all accounts killed a man for scamming her. A sad life in which I was brought low in my prime by greed.

Goodbye Mr. Clean, may your days be filled with the reminder that you sent a man to his death.

I laughed so hard I started crying... You made my day Cyber!

[Stark]

Oh Cyber, you so crazy.

[Panda Man]

Submitted to stumbleupon.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/submit?ur...341/index.html

GO GO GO!

[Cyberxion]

Got a new one.

WINNING NOTIFICATION
Dear Lucky Winner,
We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just concluded annual
final draws of UNITED KINGDOM NATIONAL LOTTERY international Lottery
programs. The online cyber lotto draws was conducted from an exclusive
list of 21,000 e-mail addresses of individual and corporate bodies picked
by an advanced automated random computer search from the internet, no
tickets were sold.After this automated computer ballot, your e-mail
address emerged as one of two winners in the category "D" with the
following winning information:REF No: UKNL-L/200-26937, BATCH No:
2005MJL-01, TICKET No: 20511465463-7644, SERIAL No: S/N-00168, LUCKY No:
887-13-865-37-10-83
You as well as the other winner are therefore to receive a cash prize of
1,000,000GBP (One Million Pounds Sterling) each from the total payout.
Your prize award has been insured with your e-mail address and will be
transferred to you upon meeting our requirements, statutory obligations,
verifications, validations and satisfactory report to begin the claims
processing of your prize winnings you are advised to contact our licensed
and accredited claims agent for category "D" winners with the information
below:
To file for your claim, please contact the processing agent;
Agents Name: Dr. Bill Ford.
Email: [email protected]
TEL : +44 70111 40212

Remember to quote your reference information in all correspondence. You
are to keep all lotqato information away from the general public
especially your reference and ticket numbers. (This is important as a case
of double claims will not be entertained so keep your winnings very
personal). Anybody under the age of 17 and members of the affiliate
agencies are automatically not allowed to
participate in this program.
Please note; You are hereby advice to send the assign Fiduciary Agent,
with the details below for Processing of your Claims;
(1)FULL NAME :
(2)FULL ADDRESS :
(3)NATIONALITY :
(4)AGE :
(5)OCCUPATION :
(6)TELEPHONE NUMBER :
Reply only to this confidential email account:
[email protected]

1) Tankard O'ale - Seriously.
2) 9220 Brenda Walsh Drive NE, Beverly Hills California 90210
3) Irish - I beat my wife senseless because she keeps giving my booze to the kids.
4) 46 - In dog years
5) Professional Layabout/Town Drunk
6) The number you've attempted to reach is not in service. Please hang up and try again.

[Cyberxion]

I was going to go with 867-5309 for number 6, but I thought that was too obvious.

[Dinosaurman]

I was going to go with 867-5309 for number 6, but I thought that was too obvious.

I lol'd.

Did Mr.clean ever get back to you?