The Joke Thread

[Don Emilio]

George Bush is our President !!




no but seriously , political jokes are awesome !! I just can't remember any right now !

[Ktiger41]

1.) A little boy was asked at school what his dad
did for a living. The boy replied by saying "My
daddy eats light bulbs."

The teacher asked him how his father eats the
light bulbs.

The boy replied, "I don't know, but I walked
past mommy and daddy's room last night and I
heard daddy say, ‘honey if you'll turn off
that light, I’ll eat it’."

2.) Two blondes are walking in the forest.

One looks down and says, "Look, deer tracks".

The other blonde looks down and says, "Those
aren't deer tracks, those are bear tracks".

Half an hour later they were still arguing, when
the train hit them.

3.) One morning while making breakfast, a man walked
up to his wife and pinched her on her rear and
said, "You know if you firmed this up we could
get rid of your girdle." While this was on the
edge of intolerable, she thought herself better
and replied with silence.

The next morning the man hold his wife with a
pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you
firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled
over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death
grip in place she said, "You know, if you firmed
this up we could get rid of your brother."

4.) A blind man interviews for a job as a quality
controller at the local wood mill. The manager
calls the blind man into his office and asks him
how he expected to do this job since he was
blind. The blind man replied he would do it by
smell. The manager decides to test him and places
a piece of wood in front of him. The manager
asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind
man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir."
"Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one."
"That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind
man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on
the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up
her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans
face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “can
you turn it around?" The secretary turns around
and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says,
"Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly
what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house
door off a tuna boat!"


That should be enough for now folks.

[Corey]

A black pirate walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. One of the other pirates says"Oh man, where'd you get that thing!?'
to which he replies "Raawk, Africa!"

[Corey]

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

[Tassadar]

I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly amazing.

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.



Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did this several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.



Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wonder if this was the same elephant.



Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Ktiger41]

Here's some funny IM chats from the web:

1.) <DaZE> at my school.. the cop from DARE passed around 3 joints to show everyone... and he said "if i dont get all three of these back this schools getting locked down and everyones getting searched till i find it.." and like 30 minutes later when everyone got to see 'em and they got passed back the cop had 4

2.) <cygnus> oi
<cygnus> in windows
<cygnus> what it mean
<cygnus> if the folder has a hand underneaath it
<Sephiroth> means it is shared
<Sephiroth> across your network
<cygnus> how did you know that
<cygnus> i thought it meant itwas heavy
<cygnus> or something
<cygnus> like
<cygnus> it's got 10 gigs in it

[J]

Ive posted this joke somewhere on the forums but it was a very long time ago, but its a goodie.

Grandma Joke

This is a letter from someone's grandmother. She is
eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
-----------------------------------
Dear Granddaughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book
store and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper
sticker. I particularly sassy that day because I had
just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed
by a thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought the
sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did, what an uplifting experience that
followed..

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he
is, and I didn't
notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing
someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people
love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind
started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of
his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go!
Go! Go! Jesus Christ Go!" What an exuberant
cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window
and started waving and smiling at all those loving
people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in
the love! There must have been a man from Florida back
there because I heard him yelling something about a
"sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I
asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck
sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from
Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the
good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was
enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the
people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards
me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I
attended, but this is when I noticed the light had
changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters
grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I
noticed I was the only
car that got through the intersection before the light
changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed
the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all
the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove
away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!!

I will write again soon.

Love, Grandma

This one cracked me up

[Tassadar]

Manchester Airport was closed today after a suspicious car was spotted.

Apparently it was taxed, insured and still had the cd player in it.

[Rekuja]

told this blonde chick the drinks were on the house, so she went and got a ladder..

blonde was driving to the airport the sign said "airport left" so she went home..

if you're a blonde and you take these seriously, i don't know why you even bothered to click on the "joke" thread..

[devout]

What do you call Magic Johnson in a wheelchair?

Rollaids.

[KnightofNachos]

asdasdas

WHAT IS WROSE THAN 10 MILLION AKFRICANS DYING FROM AIDS??


YOUR FACE

[Strelok26]

THE PIZZA DELIVERY

The board of directors for a large company, believing it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers, so on a tour of the facilities during his first day, the CEO notices a guy leaning casually against the wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them all know he means business, and wasting time on the clock is not acceptable. The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO reaches into his wallet, hands the guy $1,200 in cash, and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here aside from standing around?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "That guy delivered our pizza."

[-Shu-]

Why did the rooster cross the road?


Because it was having sex with...it was having sex with the...it was having sex with the ch....it was having sex with the chick...








...It was having sex with the chicken.

(Taken from South Park)

[Strelok26]

An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a Visa
Consul: What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consul: Sex?
Arab: Six to ten times a week
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab: both male and female and sometimes even camels
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab: Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul: Man,........ isn't it hostile?
Arab: Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul: Oh.......... dear!
Arab: Deer? No deer, they run too fast!
Consul: Oh.......... God!
Arab: Ya, I know it's Good ..for the health
Consul: Guards .take him out
Arab: Guard is ok.but sir, I always do in not out
Consul: Get.. Out
Arab: ok..I will take it out .but sir you need here only...

[Mistral]

Q: How many [insert ethnic group here] does it take to change a light bulb?
A: [Insert number here], one to change the light bulb and [insert number-1 here] to [insert stereotypical behavior here].

Well, I never meta-joke I didn't like.