The Joke Thread

[Banned]

Just thought I'd bring back the joke thread.


What did the woman say to Michael Jackson on the beach?
'Can you please move, you're in my son'

What's blonde, had six legs, and ran through Jackson's dreams?
Hanson

Jackson's house was recently raided by a police drug squad. They found incriminating evidence everywhere: Class A in the kitchen, Class B in the bathroom, and Class 4C in his bed.

What do whiskey and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both come in small tots.

Why does Jackson like having sex with twenty eight year olds?
Because there are twenty of them.

What's the difference between Jackson and acne?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.

Jackson's wife was giving birth. Jackson asks the doctor how long it will be before he can have sex. The doctor says 'for fucks sake Jackson, at least wait until it can walk.'

[Jackhammer]

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[Corey]

have you heard the new constipation joke yet?

[Banned]

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he's looking for a blow-up doll. The woman asks, 'Would you like a Christian or Muslim doll?'. Confused, the man says, 'What's the difference?'. 'Well,' replies the woman, 'the Muslim one blows itself up.'

[Corey]

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he's looking for a blow-up doll. The woman asks, 'Would you like a Christian or Muslim doll?'. Confused, the man says, 'What's the difference?'. 'Well,' replies the woman, 'the Muslim one blows itself up.'

:X rep.

[Ahkei]

Sprung being an Admin.

Zing!


A boy asks his father to explain the difference between "potentially"
and "realistically". The father instructs the boy to go ask his
mother, then sister, and finally brother if they would have sex with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

The boy runs off and finds mom in the kitchen. "Mom! Would you screw
Brad pitt for a million bucks?" She replied, "Of course, can you
imagine the rennovations we could make to this house with a million
dollars?"

The boy then tracks down his sister. "Would you screw Brad Pitt for a
million bucks, sis?" She replied, "I would screw brad pitt for free!"

Then the boy runs into his brother. "Would you have sex with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?" His brother replied, "Sure, I could buy a lot
of stuff with a million dollars."

Not quite understanding the jist of his fathers explanation, the boy
returns to pops and tells him what the three had said and pouts that
he still doesn't understand the difference between "potentially"
and "realistically". The father explains, "You see son. Potentially
you and I are living with 3 millionaires. Realistically, though, we
are living with a fag, a slut, and a hooker."

[Elmdor]

Saw that coming, still giggled.

[polokitty]

I called her on the phone and she touched herself,

i laughed myself to sleep...

no really a joke but i laughed myself to sleep@@@!!!!

[skakidd]

I called her on the phone and she touched herself,

i laughed myself to sleep...

no really a joke but i laughed myself to sleep@@@!!!!

way to kill the thread... luckily i'm a lifeguard i will resuscitate it.

two eggs in a frying pan, one of them says "damn its hot in here" to which the other one reply's... "holy shit a talking egg"

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me--and I didn't hear it.

BWAHAHAHAHA.

[Dinosaurman]

way to kill the thread... luckily i'm a lifeguard i will resuscitate it.

two eggs in a frying pan, one of them says "damn its hot in here" to which the other one reply's... "holy shit a talking egg"

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me--and I didn't hear it.

BWAHAHAHAHA.

That was bloody awful.



2 buckets of vomit are walking down the street

Bucket1 starts crying.

bucket 2"whats the matter?"

Bucket1" I was brought up around here"

Ba-dum

[Elmdor]

I liked the amnesia one.

Stealing from Johnny.. Who robbed the tampon store?

Some Bloody Cunt!

[Ahkei]

I liked the amnesia one.

Stealing from Johnny.. Who robbed the tampon store?

Some Bloody Cunt!

You're walking down the street and see 3 tampons, which one says hello?


None. They're all stuck up cunts.

[Strongbad]

Ummm, off the top of my head here. Lets see, a dragon attacks Dylon. After realizing his mistake, the dragon says "And I though I spit hot fire." Terrible I know.

[Kosmo Yagkoto]

"Who owns that bank?"

"Some Jew."

[Banned]

A monk and a priest are driving down a street in differnt directions.

Oddly enough, they end up getting into a crash.

They both get out of their cars, infuriated that there had been a wreck.

But since both of them are men of god, they began to talk.

The priest says that it was fortunate for these two men of the cloth to have met in such a strange way.

The monk says that it was also lucky that his bottle of fine wine was left undamaged after such a great accident.

So, they decide to celebrate.

The priest ends up drinking almost all of the wine.

And just as there's about a drink left in the whole bottle, the priest asks the rabbi if he would like a drink.

The monk shrugs and says "No thanks, I'll just wait for the police to arrive."







Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.

Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".

Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.

Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".

Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".

That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".



A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!