The Joke Thread

[johnny blaze]

ITT: Post your best jokes, pickup lines, whatever you got that's funny.
I'll start this piece off:

There is a theory that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

[HarkenSlash]

Once my teacher said "After her husband died, I think she became a prostitute or something. Oh wait let me check. Never mind. She wasn't a prostitute, she died."

[Solidus Joe]

bits and pieces of stupid things from Real court documents(seriously):

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"

"Now doctor, is it not true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

Q, "What happened then?"
A, "He told me, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Q, "And did he kill you?"

"Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

"The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

Q, "I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?"
A, "That�s me."
Q, "Were you present when he picture was taken?"

"Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

Q, "Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated ?"
A, "By death."
Q, "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Q, "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
A, "I'll be three months on November 8th."
Q, "Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A, "Yes."
Q, "What were you doing at that time?

"So you were gone until you returned?"

Q, "She had three children right?"
A, "Yes."
Q, "How many were boys?"
A, "None."
Q, "Were there any girls?"

"Mrs. Jones, how many times have you committed suicide?"

"You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

Q, "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A, "Yes."
Q, "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Q, "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?"
A, "The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m."
Q, "And Mr. Edington was dead at that time?"

[Mistral]

Handy Latin Phrases:

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.
When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.

Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The designated hitter rule has got to go.

Sona si latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Vacca Foeda!
Stupid Cow!

Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert.
Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.
In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags.

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem.
Stand aside, little people! I'm here on official business.

(At a poetry reading)
Nullo metro compositum est.
It doesn't rhyme.

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem.

Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum.
A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.

Tuis pugis pignore!
You bet your bippy!

Quomodo cogis comas tuas sic videri?
How do you get your hair to do that?

Feles mala! Cur cista non uteris? Stramentum novum in ea posui.
Bad kitty! Why don't you use the cat box? I put new litter in it.

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.

Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.
Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.

(At a barbeque)
Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?

Neutiquam erro.
I am not lost.

Solum potestis prohibere ignes silvarum.
Only you are can prevent forest fires.

Ita erat quando hic adveni.
It was that way when I got here.

Sic hoc adfixum in obice legere potes, et liberaliter educatus et nimis propinquus ades.
If you can read this bumper sticker, you are
very well educated and much too close.

Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?

You can't say that in Latin.
Illiud Latine dici non potest.

Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.
Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.

[Slim]

Now if only I could begin to try and pronounce most of those words correctly.

"What's the difference between a duck?"

"One leg's both the same"...

[johnny blaze]

Handy Latin Phrases:

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Hey hey HEY! I said funny.




Just kidding.


But not really.

[Josh]

Has anyone heard of Hellan Keller and dead baby jokes?

Note: If these offend anyone I'll remove them.


What couldn't Hellan Keller get a drivers liscense?
She was a woman

How do you get 10 dead babies in a bowl?
blender
How do you get them out?
doritos

What is the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?
one you can unload with a pitchfork

What is the difference between a freezer full of dead babies and a Corvette?
I don't have a Corvette in my garage

A woman is having her baby when the doctor picks the baby up, slams it against the wall and the stomps on it. The woman screams and yells, "What are you doing!?" The doctor says, "It was already dead."

How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
depends on how hard you throw them

I also have some blonde jokes.

Edit. 4500 posts!

[Solidus Joe]

I didn't write these but I think they're funny as hell

CHINESE PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

[youthquake]

birdie birdie don't sing to me.
i'm trying to get some sleep
and i can't with you outside my freaking window.

[Josh]

I like those Chinese proverbs. I've seen them before, but they are still funny.

[linkinkampf19]

It sounds weird that I am going to post this, since the Super Bowl over now, but seeing that ForeverZero has posted a thread expressly for funny stuff, here it goes.

Warning: this joke was sent to me from my grandparents, and somehow they end up finding better jokes then I ever will. And yes, I am kinda an Eagles fan, but no sports junkie (I had a feeling that the Pats would win, seeing they took the last 2 out of 3 SBs).

>A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Eagles game.
>As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the
>seat next to him.
>"No," he says, "the seat is empty."
>"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have
>a seat like this for the Eagles game, the biggest sporting event in the
>world and not use it?"
>He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to
>come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Eagles game
>we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
>"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
>someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
>seat?"
>The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

[Mistral]

birdie birdie don't sing to me.
i'm trying to get some sleep
and i can't with you outside my freaking window.

Oh, you just reminded me of something I found posted a long time ago. Let me dig it out...

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still,
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely,
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers,
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his fucking head.

I'm not a morning person.

[Paladin_Hammer]

Thread not funny...

[Vivi]

Thread not funny...

could that be because your a dip stick with out humor? dont take that personal

[Paladin_Hammer]

could that be because your a dip stick with out humor? dont take that personal

No, its just that I haven't gotten any of these jokes... To long.