The Joke Thread

[Alusnova]

Here we go a short one....



2 guys walking on the beach see a dog laying on the sand licking his balls, one of the guys stops and says to the other " hey man that's so cool I wish I could do that". The other guy replies " don't be stupid man the dog will bite you"

[Dingy]

hehe, nice one Alusnova.

I remember one like that when a drunk walked into a bar with a frog growing out of his head, when he sat at the bar, the bartender looks at him in awe and says 'whoa man! must be terrible to have something like that grow on you' and the frog replies 'yea, tell me about it...one day I had a wart and the next day this drunk came out of me'. I never quite understood it, but what the hell, its about frogs and drunks, one I like and one I don't.

[Alusnova]

Dingy i don't get your joke either lol.


Here is one , good one I think but kinda long:


A guy and his girlfriend are shopping for a new Harley Chopper (motorcycle), they finally see one in almost perfect shape. The guy is impressed on how good the chrome on the chopper and asks the owner "how you keep the chrome so shiny?"

The owner tells him that whenever there is going to be rain, he rubs vaseline so it repels the water.

So they buy the chopper and decide to impress the girl's parents by going to their house for dinner and to show off their new toy.

On the way to her parent's house, she tells him "Honey I must tell you of a rule in my house, whoever talks during dinner does the dishes" Fair enough he thought, I'm ain't going to say anything while dinner.

When they get to the girl parent's house, he notices a huge pile of dishes on the porch, the parents lead them to the dining room and he notices dishes on the living room, kitchen,everywhere. He thought to himself I'm definately not going to say anything .

While the four arw eating an idea came up to him, he thought he should provoke the parents into talking, and he reached over his girlfriend breasts and started playing with them, the parents didn't said a word, he thought this will take much more than that. So he started stripping his girlfriend, not a word said, started having sex with her on the table and no one said anything.

Hrm he thought, so he reached over the girl's mom and started playing with her breasts!, no one said anything, undressed her! and nada,started having sex with the mom! and no one said a word.

Right at that moment he hears a thunder and rain starts to drop. "Shit!" he remembers his bike is going to get wet!. So he takes out the vaseline, and the father of the girl at that moment gets up and says "All right,all right, I'll do the dishes"


---------------

Told you long

[Dingy]

LoL.


I wouldn't want to have sex at the dinner table in front of my parents, that wouldn't be the best thing ever. Dishes for me--anyday

[ravers]

hehe really have some good laugh as i scroll through the jokes posted....

[Tiberious]

I always thought this one was a hoot:

One day, a man and an ostrich were seated in a diner. The waitress takes his order, and he asks for a burger, fries and a Coke. Seeing the bird, she asks what it wants. The ostrich says "Gimme a burger, fries and a Coke as well". Startled at the animal actually speaking, she brings their food. When the check comes, it's $7.32. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money and pays the full amount.

The next day, the same human/avian duo are again at the diner. The same waitress just so happens to take their order. This time the man wants his breakfast a little late. He orders eggs, bacon, toast and coffee. Asking the ostrich, she gets a response that matches his in every way. The check this time comes to $9.46. Again, the man reaches into his pocket and procures $9.46 even. The waitress is stunned.

Day 3 and our friends of a feather are once more seated in the waitress's section of the diner. Before she takes their order, she asks him the questions she's just dying to know the answers to. "Ok, before I serve you anything, you've gotta tell me. You've been here 2 days straight with that damn thing right by your side. You and that ostrich order the exact same things, and when the check comes, you always pay to the cent. What the hell gives?", to which the gentleman replies, "Well, now that's a funny thing. Y'see, I work as a 'gunt-man' for a guy in short-term real estate. One day, I was cleaning out the attic of an old house and found this lamp. Thinking I could make a couple bucks if I shined it up a bit, this damn genie popped out of it. Because he was so short on time, I only got 2 wishes instead of the usual 3".

"I see, go on. What was the first?"

"Well, I wished to, when faced with a bill, be able to reach into my pocket and always pay it in full."

"Wow, you really outsmarted him there. Most people would wish for a million bucks or something, but this way you'd be as rich as you wanted. You'd always be able to eat, and even buy new cars whenever you wanted." He nodded, and she continued. "Ok, so explain the ostrich."

"Ya see, that's the thing. This mean bastard didn't like getting tricked, but had a sense of humor."

"Oh? Why's that?"

"My second wish was for a tall, long legged chick who agrees with everything I said."

[Saeveo]

Right this blond is on holiday in Florida. One day she goes to a market to look for a pair of alligator skin boots. All of the prices are way too expensive for her though and when she tries to haggle with one of the shopkeepers he tells her to get lost. She gets so angry she shouts "fine I'll just go kill an alligator myself so I can get a pair of alligator boots at a decent price". The shopkeeper finds the thought hilarious and says that he'd love to see her try. That evening the shopkeeper is heading home in his car when he spots the blond standin waist deep in a swamp. He sees an alligator approach her and she quickly blasts it with a shotgun. She then manages to drag its body out of the water towards a huge pile of dead alligators. She flips him over, gets pissed off and throws him on the pile. The shopkeeper is stunned and calls over to her asking "what the hell are you so pissed about". She shouts back " Ah this bastard wasn't wearing boots either"

[Deach]

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

I laughed.

[Jackhammer]

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed.
He thought to himself, "what should I do? Oh I know." He proceeded to get
under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm
and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth.
When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.
He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?"
She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake my mother".

[ssj4V]

This is an oldie

Why did the man with one arm cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop.

Hahahaha
__________________________________________________
And...
Which movie is this from?

A couple are having sex. The guy says, "man u got a big pussy, man u got a big pussy." Then the girl asks him, "Why did u say that twice?" Then he replies, "I didnt.".

Hahahaha, do you get it? It's because theres an echo... Y'know? Cause she's got a big pussy, Hahahahaha.

[Kosmo Yagkoto]

What's better than winning the Special Olympics?

Walking.

I know it wasn't to funny but it made me chuckle when i first heard it.

[Dingy]

This is a beautiful example of literary punmanship delineated by this work of brilliant prose submitted in my school mag (which happens to be a military school where boys are not even allowed to look at girls)...

I LOVE LITTLE PUSSY!
-Anonymous (thank goodness)

I love little pussy,
She is so cozy and warm,
And if I am nice to her,
She will do me no harm,
So I will not pull her hair,
for that will drive her away,
But Pussy and I,
together will play.
I wil sit with her inside,
And I will give her food,
And she will love me because,
I am gentle and good.

If only my sex-starved teachers who hadn't got the whiff of what the poem really meant, knew what it was about..ah! sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

[Jackhammer]

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

[Cybaster]

(Those of you who are sensitive about Christian beliefs might want to avoid this one.)

In Heaven, Jesus was watching over the world at the Gates to Heaven when St. Peter suddenly ran up to him, looking slightly panicked. Jesus asked St. Peter what was going on, to which St. Peter replied: "Lord, there's an old man at the Gates who doesn't remember who he is, but he looks familiar...I think he looks like your father, Lord..."

At that, Jesus followed Peter and finally met the feeble old man who was looking around a bit scared. Jesus calmed him. "Mister," Jesus began asking, "Do you remember anything at all about who you are before you died?"

"Well..." The old man replied, thinking hard for a moment. "I remember that I used to be a carpenter on Earth..."

Jesus nodded.

"...And...I had a son who everybody loved."

Then Jesus knew, and he opened his arms lovingly. "Father!"

And the old man did likewise. "Pinnochio!"

[b1ackmai1er]

Cybaster you pagan!

Tell me this...

What did Pinnochio say to Snow White?





Sit on my face and I will tell you some lies.



regards b1m1