How to be an MTV pop star
A simple guide to short term fame
rule #1 : Be good looking. Without the looks you will never be an mtv celebrity.
N.B : You may possibly get away with being moderately ugly if you are a man, but only if you compensate by having plenty of semi naked dancers in your videos.
rule #2 : Have a catchy single. do not worry, you will not be expected to write a song yourself, they're all written by some old guy in Sweden called Bjorn.
rule # 3 : Be able to dance. This will prove very important to cover up your other artistic deficiencies (see Additional Notes).
rule # 4 : Be seen. movie premieres, music awards, celebrity weddings... make sure you're invited. Force the other celebs to squeeze up so that there's room for you in the photos.
rule #5 : Be noticed. Stand out in some way. A few suggestions : date or create rumours that you are dating somebody famous and then break up with them; wear ridiculous clothes; publicly announce your homosexuality (this works best for men : look at George Michael & Boyzone's Stephen Gately).
rule #6 : Come from a humble background (or alternatively pretend you do). People like to think that you have risen to fame from nothing, also known as the 'zero-to-hero' ascension. Let it be known that you've had a hard life and that your present wealth is the result of many years spent singing to yourself whilst sweeping the rat infested floor of a dusty bar earning money. Overcoming problems is also popular : you used to be a heroin addict/an alcoholic, you were beaten up by your evil stepfather, you used to live in a cardboard box.
rule #7 : Show that you have a heart. Be a spokesperson for a charity, adopt a child / an endangered animal. Also show your love for your family, especially your mother; and of course for your fans.
rule #8 : Be a role model. Remember, as most of your fans will be under 12, you must appeal to the parents. No swearing on screen. No drugs, cigarettes or booze. Express how worried you are when you see the youth-of-today's attitude towards drugs, cigarettes & booze. I hereby quote Brooke Shields : "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." Well said Brooke.
Additional Notes :
Entirely Optional are :
- the ability to sing. Your voice will be electronically modified if necessary, and you will never be forced to actually sing live (if questioned on this topic, reply that your elaborate dance routine makes it impossible to sing during performances)
- the ability to play an instrument : just keep dancing,
- having an interesting personality : It is easy to make up for this. Dress following a precise style (think Spice Girls). Be outgoing, extravagant, loud. Any form of intelligence is superfluous, but if you are female and wish to appear politically involved, be a feminist (Continue nonetheless to dress like a slut).
- being in touch with the real world : please take note : this is unnecessary and can sometimes prove embarrassing, as it was for Mariah when she uttered the following statement "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.". Admit it : you may be considered beautiful but that doesn't change the simple fact that you are stupid so SHUT UP.
Originally Posted by youthquake
