To all who know me
To everyone who knows me, this probably won't come to as much of a shock to you, but for everyone who doesn't and wishes to learn, I ask you to read the following carefully.
Over the past 2 months I have reached what I like to call "the top of the shit pile" (Slipknot, Only One). Janine left me in September, something which struck a rather emotional chord that still stings quite a bit. After that I sort of went spirralling downhill at a rather alarming rate, with everything taking a rather heavy toll on me both emotionally and physically. I stopped eating; I developed a case of insomnia that kept me awake for all but two hours of the day.
It's suffice to say I hurt people that I didn't intend to hurt (if you're one of them, I apologize) and that I took everything in a rather morbid, unstrung manner.
Over the past month and a half, I've developed a habit of cutting myself to help ease the pain a little bit, giving me a slight release that allowed me to vent my anger to one thing while also letting loose all my depression. The scars will, of course, be permenant, and take up most of my left arm. If I ever get a digital camera, I might show some of you...
Recently - the past 5 days or so - I have brought those thoughts more to suicide. Before anyone says anything like "Suicide doesn't solve anything, it's just being selfish", I'll tell you to what orifice to blow it out of - I really don't care. My thoughts of suicide have ranged from putting serious contemplation into running a knife into my heart/stomach/disembowelment as well as hanging myself (I rigged something up, once, but I heard my parents coming home and wouldn't've had enough time) as well as overdosing on Tylonel 3 (15 tablets in 1 hour. Thankfully, I managed to counteract that one with a lot of food. I spent the majority of yesterday afternoon vomitting)
Today, my friend Willow - some of you know her. She posts here - took me to the counsellor. She had her own reasons for going, and I only planned on escorting and keeping her company until she could see the guy, but she insisted that I stayed. So I did, and I went in with her. Sadly, when it comes to suicide they can't just talk to you about it - they have to inform your parents, and your parents are suppose to set up a doctor's appointment.
So now they know. It's not that I hate my parents, I just dislike them. They're not exactly the greatest of people, although they're pretty good parents.
Yeah. I'm going to see the doctor on Tuesday, November 18th at 10:30AM. He's probably going to get me hopped up on anti-depressants and I'll suffer from various side effects (I think one is insomnia. Wee...). Yeah.
Mr. Martens (the counsellor I saw) gave me a checklist for physical/psychological signs of greif and depression.
Physical Symptoms:
[x] Tense aching muscles.
[x] Tightness in throat.
[x] Nervousness.
[x] Headaches.
[x] Altered sleep patterns.
[ ] Fatigue.
[ ] Digestive upsets.
[x] Cardiovascualar disturbance (irregular heartbeats).
[x] Weight loss/gain.
[ ] Worsening of pre-existing medical condition.
Psychological Symptoms:
[x] Poor concentration.
[x] Difficulty making decisions.
[x] Poor memory.
[x] Sadness and crying.
[x] Feelings of guilt, hopelessness and futility.
[x] Feeling edgy, easily irritated.
[x] Anger.
[x] Feelings of detachment - inability to complete simple tasks.
[x] Fear of breakdown.
Yeah. It's pretty bad...
Don't know why I typed this up; I just did on a whim, I suppose. I'm in desperate needs of a drink right now, so a drink I shall get. Thanks to whoever reads this. And most importantly thanks to Willow (Schutzstaffel) for taking me down there. You are a great friend, even if we don't say it a lot.
All I am really trying to say is that the further down you have gone, the more that is available for you to gain. Just take it one step at a time.
I'm just glad you're going to see the doctor soon and that you've told your parents.. and even though they may not be absolutely wonderful parents- they can still help you, and it's their job to help you.
I mean that, I appreciate it mucho.
