I've scrapped applying for that job, although it's made the bullshit on my CV stand out more.
I wish I had someone to look over it and tell me where I can improve though. :-/
Printable View
I've scrapped applying for that job, although it's made the bullshit on my CV stand out more.
I wish I had someone to look over it and tell me where I can improve though. :-/
Send it over to me, or I can send you mine and you can copy the design. Or both.Quote:
Originally Posted by Inferno.
You on a computer right now? Add my new MSN you slut.Quote:
Originally Posted by D
-email removed-
If you're not on a computer, feel free to email me your CV anyway :wacko:
• Minimum Level 2 Literacy and Numeracy Qualification (GCSE, O-Level, Key Skills)
Point out how you're capable of reading and understanding the letter. Bring up your educational background. Be sure to note how your paperwork doesn't look like a jumbled mess. Possibly throw in a verbose sentence or two to exaggerate your cranial contents. Basically talk about how you finished high school and pull a Mistral once in a while.
• Ability to produce clear, comprehensive and accurate written reports and records
You've filled out job applications, jah? That sorta counts. As would tax returns and the like. If you've ever filed anything at that office cleaning job you pulled a while back bring that up. Otherwise bullshit that you occasionally were asked to assist in clerical duties due to the building being somewhat short staffed. Or something.
• Ability to create and maintain clear audit trails
Make up something about having to coordinate tasks with coworkers. Bring up this one accounting course you took years ago or something. If you've ever dabbled in gradual textual bits of monotony (like editing those master lists but something that can totally go on a resume) that's where you bring it up.
• Ability to prepare and present statistical and written reports
Erm, pretend to read the business section in your newspapers. Bring up other numerical courses you took or jobs you worked where you had to work shit out. If you want to really surprise them (potentially risky) do a bunch of backreading on the company and make an analysis of their economic dealings whilst citing things like dealers, mergers, and stock fluctuations. In the current economic downturn it's a good idea to compare their current state to competitors and point out how they're doing fucking awesome comparatively and that's why you want to work for them.
• To possess well developed interpersonal and communication skills
This one is mostly a no brainer. Just be as polite, direct, and easy to talk to as possible whenever you deal with anyone at the company. When you drop off the CV, be well kept together, friendly as fuck, and do not be afraid to talk to anyone you see. Introduce yourself and go for the handshake. The more people that see your face and recall your pleasant demeanour, the more likely your name might jump out. As for resume skills, bring up any social activities or social clubs you were in. No matter how vague or random it could be. Bitches love volunteer work and mentioning of how you're on a hockey team that gets together every thursday (but totally after work because I'm totally free and stuff)
• Excellent time management skills
If you've ever had to tell someone to do something it goes here. Seeing as you apparently had to handle cleaning of that office complex more or less alone (and unsupervised) you can bring that up. How you had to set aside appropriate amounts of time to handle each task in order to get everything done by the end of the day. So basically talk about how you're cool with handling your own work day and how you can totally handle working on a schedule/deadline.
• Ability to work on own initiative
See the last point. Pretty similar in terms of construct. Bring up how you can identify priority tasks and handle them in a timely manner. People love it when you say you can notice what needs to be done NOW and what needs to be done later.
• Be able to demonstrate working within a process driven environment
This is pretty much a BS question from the get go. You can say damn near anything here and get a pass. They're mostly just seeing how you handle it. For best results bring up some shit about how you're a great team player and have never shyed away from a task. Be sure to cite random BS examples from previous work experience and the like.
• Experience of using Microsoft Office ICT applications
Who doesn't? You can practically cite computer literacy and your age here. Chances are they might social media mine for info on you. In that case, you can bring up the fact that you're apparently computer literate enough to handle facebook and the like so you have no big issue with handling MSO.
• Willingness to take part in training and development opportunities relevant to job role
Ever had to do training for a job? Ever interned/apprenticed/volunteered? It goes here. I've worked days with decreased/no pay and have taken non-paying jobs as recently as a few months ago. I use them as examples of my willingness to work as well as my willingness to "better myself". Bitches eat that shit up. Look for something similar. Possibly. Or invent it in the coming months. The cost of a single job shift a week leads to a much cooler looking resume.
• Ability to work constructively and supportively as part of a team
Eh, it's redundant. Just reiterate any of the team stuff from before.
• Flexible and adaptable to change
Anything change related you dealt with goes here. Change in location, living situation, job title, job location, etc can all more or less be cited depending on how much you have to say or whatnot. It really depends on how good you are at BS and how well you can bring something up here. At your age "transitioning from school to work" is considered ADORABLE for some prospective employers if you can sell it right. It can be pretty hit or miss though. Like a lot of things, a job interview is often a gamble. You have to throw yourself out there if you ever hope to land a job.
• Ability to prioritise workloads to meet deadlines
This falls under the time management stuff. Just reiterate or elaborate.
• Ability to develop and maintain appropriate relationships with colleagues, service users, suppliers and other professionals
Again, more interpersonal stuff. Just bring up how you were totally student council president and captain of the basketball team or some shit.
• Good work-related health record
This one is BS. Places can't hire or fire based upon health. In any case, cite a great attendance record at work/school or something. :shrug:
Desirable
• NVQ Level 2 (or equivalent qualification) Business Administration/Office Practice
Oh man, I'm all about the Excel. I could spreadsheet for days homies. Hey, do you guys use Access? Shit's dope. Blah blah, just use any of the osmotic computer knowledge you picked up and pass it off as legit training.
• ECDL (or equivalent Level 2 ICT qualification) including Access
Previous point.
• Experience of working in a target driven environment
Total BS point. It's similar to the process based one. Just bring up something stupid about how you've always gotten your assignments in on time and managed to get to work first thing and be well into cleaning desks before most employees even showed up.
• Evidence of continued personal or professional development
Just bring up anything you did the last few years. Anything goes here. And I mean ANYTHING. You can always bring up stuff you're looking into (even if you aren't/aren't pursuing it). Night classes. it's the blanket excuse for being a lazy git.
• Understanding of equal opportunities
Some of my best friends are black! In any case just don't have "hate crime" shit on your criminal record or some shit.
• Understanding of safeguarding vulnerable groups
Hackers onto my PC? Click here for free scan. I have a great security setup on my machine involving blah blah blah and the like. Yeah, it's one of those things. Just don't come off as a dumbass that doesn't know the difference between AV and MW.
You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Raype again.Quote:
Originally Posted by Raype
I don't recall ever giving you rep, but that post deserved it. :P Thanks, but I've decided not to bother applying for that job as it's way further up the work chain than I originally thought.
I am looking for office junior work as the lady said today, not high up administration jobs. Oh well.
Dan, that is not a high up job. That looks like entry level if ever I saw it.
:-/Quote:
Originally Posted by D
All those essential points I was unable to bullshit about put me off. Plus I'd have to bullshit that in person as well if given an interview.
What he said.Quote:
Originally Posted by D
They're overly wordy about it, but you're effectively being a low to mid level entry guy who fills out forms and knocks accounting info into Excel between taking calls.
With some light filing and organization duties popping up. So putting papers inside folders and shoving it in a cabinet where it'll likely never be looked at.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inferno.
Added dickweed.
A menial job, so to say.Quote:
Originally Posted by Raype
I'm not sure I'd say "menial" but he's not applying to be the head honcho.
At best he's applying to be that guy's secretary. More realistically he's applying to be a department secretary of one of the numerous sub departments. That's a good way down the latter but still above "guy who works the mail room" and "guy who empties the waste basket".
Well of course, but at least emptying the waste basket is more useful than putting useless papers inside a cabinet. :PQuote:
Originally Posted by Raype
Yeah, "menial" is certainly a wrong term.
I'm hungry.
Beans on toast, nom nom nom.
I'm going to bed. I better not fall asleep with my new glasses on and break them. :-/
Hopefully gonna get my Mega Drive modded for 60Hz soon. :D
Will it run Crysis?
No, but it'll run Sonic at 60Hz, bitches.Quote:
Originally Posted by Fer!
Excellent choice.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cosmic
Only second best system ever, behind Dreamcast.
Probably not, but it'll remove region locking and finally let me play everything at the correct speed. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Fer!
The difference between 50 and 60 Hz is incredible when you are so used to seeing the games run at 50 Hz. :-/
I adore the Mega Drive. First game I remember playing for any system ever was Sonic 1 in Toys R Us. :wacko: The Saturn was great too but I wasn't as big a fan of the Dreamcast. Too many arcade ports for my liking.Quote:
Originally Posted by Nemesis
Just looked for a video to see the difference and holy hell, 50hz is crap. :|
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drVW-...eature=relatedQuote:
Originally Posted by Inferno.
;_;
Some arcade ports are good, others not so much.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cosmic
But DC is still a great system.
I :<3: my Genesis. So freaking awesome. Now only if Phantasy Star 4 had a working Save battery. ;_;
Dang it, you guys mentioning sonic got the invincilibility theme stuck in my head
I have absolutely no Megadrive or SNES nostalgia. :)
I'm singing again in RB3 after a long hiatus. ^_^ Feels good man.
BUT GAMES WERE BETTER BEFORE MAAAANQuote:
Originally Posted by Inferno.
Playstation and N64. :)
I love that argument so much.Quote:
Originally Posted by Fer!
Playstation has some very good games.
LIKE RAYMAN BITCHES. And Dino Crisis.
I have no experience with an N64
N64 is possibly my favourite console ever. But if the nostalgia isn't there, you'll get one now and be all lolwut at the quality of the games.
THE FOG.
THE LACK OF CD QUALITY AUDIO.
THE LIMITATIONS OF CARTRIDGES.
ONLY 90'S KIDS WILL GET THIS.
Still, I beat RE2 about a year ago after I dug up my N64 and some cartridges out of the closet.Quote:
Originally Posted by Inferno.
Jesus Christ, it looked hideous. :wacko:
I grew up with an N64 as well. I remember quite vividly MY DOG EATING MY FUCKING MEMORY CARD.Quote:
Originally Posted by Inferno.
I'm off to sleep, alters ladies. :wacko:
laters even,
Just found an ipf copy of Manic Miner (Amiga). It actually works past The Endorian Forest now, unlike the cracked version. :rolleyes: