The Joke Thread

This thread needs more jokes!;D
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What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
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The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary asked.

"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
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EDIT by Sprung: NOT cool, man.

I swear to drunk I`m not god!!!
That`s all I got :P

i saw plenty of racist jokes here, btw sprung, are you diet or regular?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by garrendesares

i saw plenty of racist jokes here, btw sprung, are you diet or regular?

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I'll make a joke for the thread.

I'm short tempered.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sprung

I'll make a joke for the thread.

I'm short tempered.

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I'd belittle you for that joke, but it'd go over your head.

I finally figured out why I'm fat! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "For extra volume and body". I'm going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says" Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Inferno.

It works with old flash carts? :rofl:

Way to fucking fail Nintendo, Sony are failing similarly as well as far as piracy goes. Are Microsoft the only ones with any fucking idea?

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....

Aesop's master in the dark days of his enslaved youth had asked him why it was when we shat we so often turned around to examine our own turds, and he'd told that great sage the story of the king's loose-living son who one day, purging his belly, passed his own wits, inducing a like fear in all men since. "But you don't have to worry, sire," he added, "you've no wit to shit.". The real reason we look back of course is to gaze for a moment in awe and wonder at what we've made -- it's the closest we ever come to being at one with the gods. Now what we see in those analecta of turds is rampant disharmony and anxiety: it's almost suffocating. Boundaries are breaking down: eagles are shitting with serpents, monkeys with dolphins, kites with horses, fleas with crayfish, it's as though there were some mad violent effort here to link the unlinkable, cross impossible abysses. And there's some dejecta he's not sure he even recognizes. That foul mound could be the movement of a hippogriff, for example, this slime that of a basilisk or a harpy. Aesop turd myths, his master kicked his ass for it, but it was well worth it since you were shat upon by all manner of ordinary and legendary flora and fauna and therefore epically and excrementally spammed.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by garrendesares

EDIT by Sprung: NOT cool, man.

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Damn, I missed it!


@ Garren, you don't need this thread; every post you make is a fucking riot as far as I'm concerned. lol YOU are my lucky day.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Andy

Damn, I missed it!


@ Garren, you don't need this thread; every post you make is a fucking riot as far as I'm concerned. lol YOU are my lucky day.

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no, whats a riot are these fanboys that hate nintendo and call thier products gimmiky and childish then turn around and play the iphone and ipod and ipad with these wierd ass games on them. seriously, paying 75 cents to throw wastepaper into a basket. people will buy anything!

How much coke has Charlie Sheen snorted in his life?

Spoiler warning:

Enough to kill two and a half men.

A scientist's joke:

Q: What does Ampere moan sound like when she's making love with Volt?
A: Ohm. Ohm. Ohm.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ramzaruglia

A scientist's joke:

Q: What does Ampere moan sound like when she's making love with Volt?
A: Ohm. Ohm. Ohm.

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I don't know what's sadder. That I got it, or that I actually laughed a little.

I got a science joke.

Two atoms are walking down the street when one atom says to the other, "Oh, my! I've lost an electron!"

The second atom says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "I'm positive!"