An Egregious Waste Of Time

After making myself a rather pleasant bit of toasted bread to go with my afternoon tea, I felt the urge to place my genitalia into the slots of my rather nice toaster. So, how did it go?

Tightness: 6/10

It was rather tight. A bit too much, actually. It felt highly unnatural to put my dick in there. I quickly ended up with a fairly flattened dick, reminiscent of when I slammed it in that drawer repeatedly. Fortunately, I wiped some excess peanut butter from the edge of my knife to provide adequate lubrication to begin the thrusting. At which point I had to hold the toaster sideways, as a downward motion was impossible on the rather small counterspace that accompanies my bachelor apartment.

Feeling: 3/10

Cold and metallic at first, but as I pushed deep I caused the basket to drop, activating the heating elements. I was immediately brought out of the experience by the scent of charred pubic hair. While the peanut butter largely kept the heat from damaging my cock, it wasn't long before it became a boiling oil that slowly slid down my shaft and onto my ballsack. Fortunately, I was able to yank the plug out, which kept things from getting hot enough to hurt, but it did leave enough residual heat to be pleasant.

Sound: 1/10

My toaster is a little on the aged side, but not quite ancient. However the movements of my body caused a rather noisy creak to accompany my thrusting. And the sound of the chord smacking against stuff really takes you out of the moment. I cannot recommend the audio at all.

Special Features: 10/10

It's a highly featured product that supplies everything you need. It's heated and as we all know shoving your junk into a warm place is EXCEPTIONAL. Only men of low taste penetrate things at room temperature (with special exceptions set aside). The fact that it has a pre built hole can be hit or miss with some people. I happen to prefer making my own hole in an object, thereby adding to the defilement. But for the lazy or unskilled the pre existing hole has plenty of potential.

Furthermore, once removed the chord provides an interesting peripheral. I used it for auto-erotic asphyxiation. It felt rather nice to have a tight piece of plastic gripping at my throat as I climaxed violently. But for those of you with altered taste, it can also be used to fashion a makeshift cockring or as a butt plug (although I recommend using the chord twisted into a loop rather than sticking the plug itself into your ass. You're far less likely to rip something that way). Hell, you could even make a belt of it and give yourself a nice "hands free" option by placing it upon something else.

I developed a rather nice penis tan after using this. I'm sure I could use it to pick up women later by mentioning that I'm "black where it counts" without having to have sex with a tanning booth. I'm sure tanning enthusiasts will love it, provided they don't mind the loss of some body hair in the process.

Plus when I picked it up, several years worth of breadcrumbs fell out of it. While I was displeased by the mess, I was immediately reminded that I could now cut the cost of eating a meal that day by simply shoveling down the uneaten bits of many a breakfast. While not the greatest of meals, it was completely free and makes me feel like I did my part for the environment that day.

Load disposal is a breeze as well, since it all ends up inside the toaster. It IS a pain to clean out, and your meals might have some unexpected mayo content for a while, but at least you won't have much to concern yourself after some furious humping which will no doubt leave you drained.

And, to add, it IS a household appliance. Which means that you can prepare any number of dishes to accompany your sexual acts. Nothing like chowing down on a pop tart while pounding away like a chimp in heat. With proper timing and a correct rhythm you can even blow your load on some nice warm english muffins. Spectacular!

Final rating: 4/10

Sadly, my toaster did not fully deliver on a pleasurable experience. I fear that this appliance will remain a backup and relegated primarily to heating up waffles. While it did provide more than adequate peripherals and additional uses, it fails to deliver on the most basic and important parts of being a masturbatory aid. As such, I cannot highly recommend it.

But hey, I don't speak for everyone. If you happen to be in the mood for some toaster pancakes and happen to want a nice black cock for a couple days, or you're just a pervert without time to eat and wank unless you do both simultaneously then look no further than your kitchen!