The Joke Thread

[Cyberxion]

A third-grade teacher says, "Class, today I would like one of you to use the work 'definitely' in a sentance." A little girl raises her hand and says, "the sky is definitely blue." "Not exactly." the teacher answers. "Sometimes the sky is gray, and at night, it's black. Can anyone else use the work 'definitely' in a sentance?" Another student raises his hand and says, "Leaves are definitely green." "Close," the teacher says. "But in fall they turn brown. Anyone else?" A kind in the back row raises his hand and asks, "Are farts lumpy?" "No," the teacher replies. The kid responds, "Then I definitely just shit my pants."

[Paladin_Hammer]

A third-grade teacher says, "Class, today I would like one of you to use the work 'definitely' in a sentance." A little girl raises her hand and says, "the sky is definitely blue." "Not exactly." the teacher answers. "Sometimes the sky is gray, and at night, it's black. Can anyone else use the work 'definitely' in a sentance?" Another student raises his hand and says, "Leaves are definitely green." "Close," the teacher says. "But in fall they turn brown. Anyone else?" A kind in the back row raises his hand and asks, "Are farts lumpy?" "No," the teacher replies. The kid responds, "Then I definitely just shit my pants."

LMAO. I'll use that in next period.

[Skinner8]

Teachers should learn to spell "sentence" right.

[Dingy]

What couldn't Hellan Keller get a drivers liscense?
She was a woman

How do you get 10 dead babies in a bowl?
blender
How do you get them out?
doritos

What is the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?
one you can unload with a pitchfork

What is the difference between a freezer full of dead babies and a Corvette?
I don't have a Corvette in my garage

A woman is having her baby when the doctor picks the baby up, slams it against the wall and the stomps on it. The woman screams and yells, "What are you doing!?" The doctor says, "It was already dead."

How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
depends on how hard you throw them

I also have some blonde jokes.

I don't know what she's got to do with dead babies. Isn't she the woman who's deaf and runs a chain of schools for the deaf-blind.

Anyway, not to digress...

Said this once meself...

Guy: So what do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a female impersonator.
Of course I didn't expect him to say "Me too!"

Illiterate? Write For Help.

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

What do you have when you have two balls in your hands?
A man's undivided attention.

Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

[GODJonez]

Think this as joke or not. Whatever:

As a matter of fact it doesn't matter what the matter with the matter is.

[johnny blaze]

I believe Dingy has just owned men. Rofl.

[Dingy]

lol.




You should hear what angry, embittered, heart-broken women have to say about your species. Me, I am too damn happy with my man to care about these women

[Huey Kruthas]

One day there was a teenage boy and a teenage girl who were going out, when one day they decided it was time to lose thier virginity together. But the girl says that before they do it, she wants to introduce him to her family. So that night, the boy goes to the pharmacy, gets condoms, and asks the pharmacist to tell him everything he knows about sex.

The next day, the boy goes to the girls house to meet her parents. He rings the doorbell and her mother answers the door. She lets him in, leads him to the dining room where the family is seated around the table. The boy quickly takes his seat, and after an awkward minute of silence, the mother brings in a delicious looking turkey dinner. The boy quickly offers to say grace. So everyone puts their heads down in prayer. A minute goes by, and the boy still has his head down. After about 5 minutes, the girl leans over to the boy and says, "I didn't know you were this religious.". Then the boy leaned over and said "well I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist.

[Saeveo]

Here's some random acts of lunacy.

A man in Chicago shovelled snow for an hour after a blizzard to clear a parking space for his car. When he returned with his car he found it had been taken by a woman...Understandably he shot her.

An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering
from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When
asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he
was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a
moving train before he was hit.

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he looked down
the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman
who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear
gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside
them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give
yourself up."

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to! Repeat the words: "Give me all your money or
I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

[Deach]

Here's some random acts of lunacy.

A man in Chicago shovelled snow for an hour after a blizzard to clear a parking space for his car. When he returned with his car he found it had been taken by a woman...Understandably he shot her.

An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering
from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When
asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he
was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a
moving train before he was hit.

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he looked down
the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman
who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear
gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside
them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give
yourself up."

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to! Repeat the words: "Give me all your money or
I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

America is hilarious.

[TripleBite13]

A classified ad for a candy store - "Now hiring managers. Diabetics preferred."

[Cyberxion]

Teachers should learn to spell "sentence" right.

I copied that word-for-word from FHM, so blame them. Hell, I'll gladly give you the magazines address if you want to waste your time.

Yes, I could've read through it and corrected it myself, but hey, I'm not anal. How's that working out for you anyway?

[Ricky Walters]

could that be because your a dip stick with out humor? dont take that personal

Wow, with insults like that, how could you NOT find this thread funny.

[Solidus Joe]

This is a classified ad I saw one day years ago- "Free room and board, big apartment, free food and other comforts of life, to be eligible must be a hot female, young, blonde, and willing to give me pleasures. CALL *some number*"

I thought that shit was hilarious

[Dingy]

Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?

A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party.
A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

Blondes are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.

Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.