A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity ignorant people can be taught
stupid people need to be shot.
A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend, now that he's a Harley Rebel, decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and unbutton her shirt. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word!
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and also has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes.
There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity ignorant people can be taught
stupid people need to be shot.
Last edited by Rockstar1983; 16th-May-2012 at 23:22.
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you requested more jokes I supply here you go.
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity ignorant people can be taught
stupid people need to be shot.
What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of the abortion clinic?
Spoiler warning:
Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
So the dishwasher matches the stove & refrigerator.
How do you find a meth head in a supermarket?
He'll be the one with his cart flipped over trying to fix the wheel.
"I think that the problem with this video is it is highly derivative of many popular bands within the genre. Although when viewed on its own merits, it does have a deeper groove. However what it has in groove, it lacks in originality. One can't help but be reminded of such bands as Pearl Jam, White Zombie, Suicidal Tendencies and other bands that bear the mantle of so called "Alternative Rock". One is even reminded of Lorie Anderson when she wore curlers. Hehehmhm! This video speaks less to the heart and more to the sphincter. In closing, I think Korn would do well to learn more from -"
So did you hear that Starbucks is opening a store on the moon?
I'm not going.
I hate the coffee, and there's no atmosphere.
EDIT: As of 25-June-2012 at 2:52am, this thread has 666 views. Seems noteworthy, somehow... and could be a good segue for another joke. Like this one:
One day, two nuns were driving in a car when the devil himself appeared on the hood!
Nun 1: Heavens above! What shall we do?
Nun 2: Well, show him your cross!
Nun 1: Ok, then. (shouting) GET OFF THE G*D-DAM CAR, YOU F***ER!!!
Last edited by Rockstar1983; 25th-June-2012 at 07:52.
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Woman buys new Simcard
To surprise husband,
She goes 2 the Kitchen n cals her husband
HI DARLING
Husband says:
i will call U later dear.
My wife is in kitchen..
A hypnotist staged a mass-hypnosis of 500 people, in order to set the World's Record. He rented an auditorium, with a top-notch audio system and video screens in order to reach the entire crowd. With every seat full, he climbed on the stage, and started swinging his large, gold pocket-watch back and forth...
"You're getting sleepy... VERY sleepy. I will now count backwards from 10, and when I reach zero, you will do whatever I say -
10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ZERO."
Just then, his watch-chain broke, and the watch fell to the stage and smashed into tiny pieces... "SH*T!!!", he yelled in anguish.
He broke the World's Record, but it took a month to clean up the mess.
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How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
-She drowns it!
Last edited by R0MVLVS; 21st-September-2013 at 11:21.
What’s the difference between Final Fantasy XIV and a restaurant?
A restaurant usually has a good host and servers that work.
I'm listening but I don't hear very much...