The Emuparadise Awards of 2009 - Results reposted.
It was a cold day, December 18 or whatever, and I was not wearing pants. North Korea had just won their first major trophy (Chinese chequers) and all was seemingly well. It was then - when we least expected it - that disaster struck and we lost almost three years of forum history. Sadly, I had some stuff saved on my PC, which means I can repost the results of the 2009 popularity contest. Forum history is important, damn you.
So, enjoy. Or don't. See if I care.
The time has finally come for you to take off your clothes, turn off* your cellphones, say good bye to your loved ones and sit down in my lap. I want your full attention, because here are, finally, the results to that thing.
Major kudos to Tanthias and Theo for tallying up the votes this year. If you didn't win anything it's most likely their fault.
Starting off with one of the more prestigious titles, in recent years won by true greats such as O: S, Purple-Wall-Man and Blargh Monster, Favorite Newcomer. Milady (19) cruised all the way to the finish line whilst Synthetik (3) and Alucard (2) atleast managed to prove that there were a couple of homosexuals voting this year aswell.
Moving along to another no-contest, the Favorite Admin award was claimed by Cookie Monster (17) for the second year in a row. I wonder, can he really be that popular? There are nasty rumors going around that he's using his powers to log in with the members' accounts just to vote for himself. :crazy:
Edit: Let's all send baskets full of cookies and congratulatory PMs his way, just to acknowledge what an awesome and popular admin he is!
Sprung (10) and Cosmic (3) did well to collect almost all of the remaining votes.
Tanthias (19) was still our Favourite Super-Moderator. I say was because he recently found a step ladder, and ended up with an admin position. There should be a fierce battle for the favourite admin award to look forward to, in the 2010 awards. For those who, you know, have no life. :wakeup: Oh, that handsome guy Elmdor picked up 7 votes aswell, and Ryan finished third with a mere one.
The favourite Moderator award was a less one-sided affair which pressumably has something to do with all three of the medalists sending bribes all around the forum. I'm personally going to Spain for two weeks, thanks to a shady fellow from Scotland; and I'm flying my personal jet there, kudos to a good-looking Mexican chap. Unfortunately this Brittish cunt just punched me in the eye and told me to throw away my SNES, but that sort of thing happens, I suppose.
Oh right, Fer (13), Inferno (11), Elin (8). Have at you.
After the arrival of the feared Shovelusers most of us old timers have locked ourself up in Retro Paradise. It's a nice quiet place, filled with Tonberry's old photoshops, half eaten pinecones and ten thousand used tissues. The latter which leads rather clumsily to Ray (9) winning the Favourite RetrooD00D! award, finishing just above Evans (8) and the adorable Gare (7).
In the favourite regular user category Milady (11) managed to do what is known in these parts as "a Lydia". That is, winning this award but being Retro'd before the end of the contest. Huzzah, and all that. Synthetik (4) did pretty much same, only he finished second which sorta means that Alucard (3) is the winner. I said sorta.
Now for the EP-award-equivalent of getting sacked because you're ugly (Elmdor, master of metaphors), the least favourite Forumer. The shock of finding himself on top here sent Chen (5) to the hospital. I hope you're proud of yourselves, assholes. In less depressing news, Meme (4) and Cheezy (2) claimed the lover spots. They're all banned now.
As for who's the Funniest Forumer, Ray (5) seems to have finally lost that title to Old Man Funny Pants (6), with Cosmic (4) trailing just behind. It should, however, be noted that I couldn't find the results of this category in the PM tanthias sent me, so I counted the votes up real fast and probably got it all wrong. Ha Ha Ha Ha! Those guys really crack me up.
Mistral (16) is the first person to do what the rest of us have merely thought about in our wildest, most ridiculous fantasies. He/She/It has been voted the Smartest forumer three years in a row. Let's just hope that brain one day can be used to cure cancer, bring peace and harmony to Israel, construct the world's greatest pie or anything slightly more meaningful than making Cheezy look like an idiot. Not that it isn't good fun.
According to the PM tanthias sent me (edited and forwarded to myself) Hypnos finished both second (5) and third (Tied with Ed) with 2 votes. This either means that Hypnos got 6 (or seven?) votes, or someone was left out. Personally I couldn't care less, merry christmas y'all.
But yeah, it was probably a note of mine, which meant he got... 6! Maybe.
Poor ol' Lizard (3) failed to defend his Dumbest Forumer title due to the crazy antics of grand-master Chen (6). Our very own Professor Cheezy (2) managed to claim another dishonourable third place. Back in the dark ages these men would've been stripped naked, chained to posts in the middle of the town square and poked with sticks. Why must things change?
Now that my old arch-enemy SA-X and his merry guildmen are out of town Tanthias and Ragnar (10) are generally acknowledged as the two most Helpful Forumers around. Cookie's (9) hours upon hours spent here every week and Pools' (4) whining about not getting voted for was enough to secure second and third place, apparently.
Has anyone else noticed that my commenting has been getting worse and worse for every year that goes? It's because the lot of you are sucking the will to live, love and laugh out of my body. You're all horrible people.
Cookie Monster might be the constant number two in terms of helpfulness, but he's the nicest person around according to 8 people who took their time to vote. He would've pressumably gotten one more vote if Cyber had been around, but what can you do. Ed (5) is alright; Tanthias and Mistral (3) are tolerable. This despite the fact that Mistral mocked not once but TWICE FOR USING CAPS AT THE END OF THAT ONE POST I MADE.
Going back to the wall of shame, Meme's (11) the spammiest member on this forum. To celebrate, he forced me to issue an announcement regarding the low quality of 99,2% of the posts recently made. It's not, by any means, all his fault, but I like to blame him the most. This was such a one-horse-race that no one else will even get mentioned.
The most missed member is, of course, our dear old Ru (4). But atleast she treated us to a hasty hello awhile back. Xena, poor man Deach, and Skinner (3 each) should do the same soon. Oh, Skinner might still be banned. I should get on that, I suppose. But he better not post Goatsee again.
Other missed members are: Not saved in my old text file! Oh, well.
As we all know, people that are already down are the easiest to target with additional kicks, jabs, teabaggings and anvilles. Chen (6) will be sure to realize this when he's sent back to the hospital after finding he's the least missed member. Was he really that bad? Pirates (2), who recently returned just to tell us to quit mentioning his name, because he has a, uh, street-rep to protect was surely way worse than Chen. Wasn't he? He made seven girls pregnant for crying out loud! Oh, and it seems that we had forgotten all about last year's winner Manny. Which is fortunate, because he'll most likely be back with us sooner or later. Bless him.
The best thread starters are Me, Cosmic and... Chen! All three of us with a mere two votes each. How is this not a good category?
Another person who couldn't quite reach the golden treble was Paladin Hammer, who only got one vote in the Worst Thread Starter category. Our new champ is Meme (6) who's topics usually do stink out loud. Cheezy and... Chen (2) did their best, but it wasn't bad enough. Although, it should be noted that Chen has only made one bad thread, and Meme's weren't half as bad as I thought, he just made too many "favourite X" ones.
The most shocking EP moments of 2009 turned out to be Skinner posting Goatsee and getting banned (8), Skinner being unoriginal enough to post Goatsee, Cyber leaving, coming back, leaving and doing stuff in between; Mikey getting demodded, Jaws getting promoted, finding out what Goatsee is (noob)/ that the Noid makes a cameo in Valkyrie Profile (it shall be engraved upon your bunny ears) and being sent Ratatouille.
Moving along to our favourite moments, we have Skinner posting Goatsee (4), Mikey getting his account bank, Chen getting flamed by all, Cheezy posting homoerotic pictures of someone (yes, that was Jaws' vote), getting laid and being a cunt against Alucard. MoG and Zorlon being here more often, and oldies (including greats such as Roux, Nitramuse, screwed and Shadow X) actually returning to post something.
And finally, our least favourit moments of 2009. Making this post will totally be mentioned in the 2010 edition. Anyhow, Skinner getting banned (4), Ed having troubles, Mikey getting slapped for defying the allmighty, fascist staff; the servers/bank being down, missing out on skinner posting goatsee, coming back to a bazillion changed usernames and having to sacrifice 150 virgins in order to get Dungeon Siege running.
The best thread of 2009 was Ryan's Favourite console to stick your favourite wang in (2). Eh... I don't know what to say. Other than the (non-top loader) NES, obviously.
The worst thread was any of the Favourite Food/Pet/Michael Jackson Dance Move ones (6). Good going, Meme.
Crusher (9) was our favourite member of the Enocson clan. The Grimace - pressumably the same person as old man pine cone (3) and the previously unknown Rutgar Enocson (2) did well to beat Jonas' little sister.
Jack (5) is still good at almost being voted for, because he's the Member Most Deserving of a Mention Without Getting One. Pandito and Tass (4), aswell as Cyber and Fer (2) are apparently also almost, maybe, sort of nice/bad/interesting.
Finally, I get to stop typing. Oh, well it's been fun NOT he he. Oh wait, Cookie Monster (4) is the member of the year (our favourite forumer overall, that is). Evans (3), the winner of the last two years, followed closely with Pools and myself (2) trailing back in third place.
Then there were a bunch of titles I don't care much to comment on. This means everybody mentioned here stinks.
Most Respected Member: Cookie (6), Elin (4), MasJ (3)
Hottest member: Evans (2), Fer (2), and Eggo (2)
Best Drunko: Theo (7) and Polo (2)
Favorite Avatar: polo (5), Mistral (3); Evans, Fer, and Mikey (2 each)
Favorite Sig: polo (4), Mistral (3), Evans (2)
Favorite Skin: Default (8), Blue Hydra (5) and Elmdor’s awesome skin (4).
Right, people, that's it. I'm sorry you had to wait, but you should be more sorry to have forced me to do this. And remember kids, you're all winners. Except Chen, Cheezy, Meme and that troll who recently got banned.
* Turn off = Destroy, if it has a touch screen
