The Joke Thread

[Dark_One]

One day in school, 3 children and a new kid were late. The first kid came in, a boy, totally naked, carrying his clothing. "Sorry I'm late." The teacher asks "Where were you?!" "On top of Mulberry Hill." The second and then third, also boys, came in afterward, same question and response. Then a girl came in-the new kid. The teacher said "Okay, everybody's here. Now, Miss, what is your name?" "Mulberry Hill."

Lil' Johnny was out back crying and burying something by the looks of it. The neighbor looked over the fence at him and said "What's wrong?" "My goldfish died, so now I'm burying it." The hole was about 3 sq. ft. and the neighbor, noticing this, said "That's a big hole for a goldfish, don't you think?" "That's because he's in your stupid cat!"

[_M_]

One day in school, 3 children and a new kid were late. The first kid came in, a boy, totally naked, carrying his clothing. "Sorry I'm late." The teacher asks "Where were you?!" "On top of Mulberry Hill." The second and then third, also boys, came in afterward, same question and response. Then a girl came in-the new kid. The teacher said "Okay, everybody's here. Now, Miss, what is your name?" "Mulberry Hill."

Lil' Johnny was out back crying and burying something by the looks of it. The neighbor looked over the fence at him and said "What's wrong?" "My goldfish died, so now I'm burying it." The hole was about 3 sq. ft. and the neighbor, noticing this, said "That's a big hole for a goldfish, don't you think?" "That's because he's in your stupid cat!"

Haha

Win

[Ktiger41]

Lil' Johnny was out back crying and burying something by the looks of it. The neighbor looked over the fence at him and said "What's wrong?" "My goldfish died, so now I'm burying it." The hole was about 3 sq. ft. and the neighbor, noticing this, said "That's a big hole for a goldfish, don't you think?" "That's because he's in your stupid cat!"

Quite funny.

[Mercy_Fallout]

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?.....................................

Give her a shovel

[Josh]

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?.....................................

Give her a shovel

Why are women's feet shorter then men's?

So they can stand closer to the stove.

Why shouldn't women be allowed to wear watches?

There is a clock on the stove.

[Mercy_Fallout]

When u tell somone they are a tool they may think you are calling them a wrench or a hammer. (if they are plain stupid)

The truth is you are calling them a woman

[Maya_Amano]

Hope picture jokes allowed here...

200251_14194056.jpg

And another one. A bit outdated but still


7437590_Kill_James_Vol__1.jpg

[Clive]

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.



Unfortunately, its only for victims.

[Banned]

When boating and a man falls overboard, what do you yell? Man overboard!

When a woman falls overboard, what do you yell?

Spoiler warning:

full speed ahead

[Mercy_Fallout]

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

[Ktiger41]

1.) A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and orders a
drink for himself. The bartender looks at the
monkey and says to the guy, "Hey, we have health
standards here, get that monkey out of here!"

"Aw," says the guy, "He's Okay. I'll pay for any
damages that he makes."

The bartender agrees. After a few minutes, the
monkey jumps from the bar over to the pool table,
grabs the cue ball and swallows it.

"That's it!" the bartender screams, "Get that
monkey out of here!"

"Hey," says the guy, "it's Okay. Look, I'll pay
you for the cue ball and leave."

The guy drops a bill on the bar, gathers his
monkey and leaves.

Two weeks later, the same guy with the same
monkey show up at the same bar. The bartender,
remembering the incident, says, "Listen buddy,
are you going to keep your monkey in line?"

"Yeah," says the guy, "don't worry about any cue
balls."

After a few minutes the monkey runs across the
bar to a bowl of grapes and grabs one. He looks
at the grape for a minute or two and promply
shoves it up his rear end. Sitting there for a
while, he then proceeds to eat the grapes one by
one.

"That has to be the grossest thing I ever saw in
my life," says the bartender.

"Yeah," says the guy, "but after the cue ball,
he began to size everything he eats."

---

2.) What if men & women swapped genitals!

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and
had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and
cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour
and a half.

8. See if they could finally do splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping
pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their
crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10
minutes...BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still
be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam
and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for
breasts too

...And, The Number One thing men would do
if they woke-up with a vagina....

1. Finally find that damned G-spot!

3.) I may be fat but you're ugly,
and I can lose weight.

4.) There are three blondes stranded on an island.
Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each
one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent.
Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired
woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent
than the previous one, so instantly she is turned
into a black haired woman.The black haired woman
builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more
intelligent than the previous two. The fairy
turns her into a man, and he walks across the
bridge.

5.)
One day a twelve year old walks into a house of
ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string
behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the
counter and says, "I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "She has to have
active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and
ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the
counter and says "Active herpes." She responds,
"Okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes."

Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go
upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their
deal...

As he's leaving, the madam asks him, "Okay, why
did you want someone with active herpes?" The
twelve year old replies, "When I get home, I'm
going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom
and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter
to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then,
when he gets back, he and mom are going to go
upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after
dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and
mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard
that ran over my frog

[Cricketman]

XDhahahahahahlollerezlawlylawlalllolroflroflmaoXD
too much too much
where'd you get these jokes from ktiger41.
Now i got something funny to tell my friends come 10am.

[Paladin_Hammer]

A few decent ones, I think:

Why computers should be feminine:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Airplane maintence in the Air-Force:

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics


The Pope goes to Heaven:

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment.

The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.

"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important."

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"

Bill Gates in Heaven:

Bill Gates died and went to Heaven.

Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven.

One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're
showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?"

"Yes, we use Windows here in heaven," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

[_M_]

A few decent ones, I think:

Why computers should be feminine:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Airplane maintence in the Air-Force:

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics


The Pope goes to Heaven:

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment.

The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.

"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important."

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"

Bill Gates in Heaven:

Bill Gates died and went to Heaven.

Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven.

One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're
showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?"

"Yes, we use Windows here in heaven," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

I was dying.

Win!

I'm still laughing.

[Elmdor Rizer]

The G-spot is hard to find? :O