Dear Santa...

[Grouch]

Dear pisslips, I would like the moon to be made out of cheese. You wanna know what my moon-material-preferences accomplish? Diddlyfuck, that's what. Geez, some people...

On the plus side, you've been a sweet child this year. Helping old ladies pass the streets, just barely copping a feel. For Christmas this year you've deserved something nice, so I'll be bringing you all the ginger flavoured cider you can drink! Meaning two bottles maximum.



For managing three posts on an online message board - all year!?!? Tsk, a non-brand, non-flying vibrator will have to do it for you.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

thanks santa too bad your cheese moon didn't work out it sounds delicious.

[Jazzmarazz]

I want socks and underwear, used, made in china.

[Ragnar]

I want socks and underwear, used, made in china.

Don't make the mistake I did. If you're getting used underwear you need to specify that you want women's underwear.

[Santa Claws]

Nice! ... Uhh, male or female? I thought all your elves were male. But I guess I didn't specify a gender... Oh well, I just won't look to hard if they have a wang. Are they going to use my front door? Cause they're small people, and I don't want all my neighbors knowing thinking that I'm a pedophile.

Not to worry, dear, they are going through your back door for sure - if you know what I mean. The butt, ya idiot! I'm using clever innuendo in order to refer to your asshole!!!

You must not know that men who have survived Ebola can still pass it through semen 6+ months later. I guess the North Pole isn't the most sexually enlightened place on the planet.

I would like to have a nice i7 laptop with all the most wonderful hardware for portable gaming, and none of that new-fangled Windows spyware. Please, Santa?

Well, that's santaclaustrophobic, so you can just go fuck yourself.

Dear Santa, please don't do weird things to my anus this year.

Unfortunately a little bird whispered in my ear that you haven't been eating your veggies, and also you still haven't beaten the first three Mega Man-games. Sadly, for such a naughty child, there will be no presents for you this year. Just weird things. To your anus. I'm sorry but I really don't have much of choice and also I'm not really sorry at all. Ho! Ho! Ho!

[skullpoker]

Well, that's santaclaustrophobic, so you can just go fuck yourself.

I'm either getting a bigger dick or a vagina for Christmas... <3 Santa

[Santa Claws]

I'm either getting a bigger dick or a vagina for Christmas... <3 Santa

Hey (ho)! You're getting a really flexible sphincter ani externus and a really, really long asshole and that's the end of discussion!

[skullpoker]

Hey (ho)! You're getting a really flexible sphincter ani externus and a really, really long asshole and that's the end of discussion!

It seems like it will be prehensile so this is going to kill at parties. I'll steal cough syrup right out of somebody else' asshole and buttchug it instantly.
NOICE!

[Santa Claws]

Ho! Ho! Ho! As it turns out drinking gasoline just a few days before Christmas is apparently not that good of an idea. Long story short, I missed Christmas and no one got anything. Naturally I'm still going on 11,5 months of vacation, but I might as well wrap this up by declining all your wishes for next Christmas.

Let me see...

Dan's mam.
The hat that Clint Eastwood wore in A Fistful of Dollars.
A 1948 build Porsche 356 coupé (they have an aluminium body, not steel).
A complete working replica Deathstar.

You're getting a sweater, assface.

Dear SantaWolvie,

I've tried to be a good monster this year, as good as monsters can be, so I'd like to get my very own Elmy to play NES and PS4 games with him all day. It may not be easy even for you, I realize it :/ but since it's the only thing I want, I won't accept anything but the real thing. No imitators, fakes, substitutes or alts, please.

Thanks

Sadly I hear Elmdor's only playing tarot card-simulators there days, so you'll have to make do with just the one NES game.

Dear Santy Claws

All I want for Christmas is the answers to next semesters finals.
Maybe a computer that can run things.
Racoons
And you :3

Merry Christmas~

You could've mentioned what you're actually studying, moron, so I didn't have to guess. Anyhow, if it's English I can enlighten you with the fact that you're supposed to use an apostrophe when you're working with the prenominal genitive. So, yeah, you're failing pretty badly at the moment. Also I killed all the raccoons, spelled with two "c", because of boredom and I only sleep with linguists so there's that. Thanks for playing, chump.

thanks santa too bad your cheese moon didn't work out it sounds delicious.

I hate cheese.

I want socks and underwear, used, made in china.

Granted!

Don't make the mistake I did. If you're getting used underwear you need to specify that you want women's underwear.

Oh, he's getting underwear made for female hippopotamuses. It's the next big thing in Asia, I assure you.

It seems like it will be prehensile so this is going to kill at parties. I'll steal cough syrup right out of somebody else' asshole and buttchug it instantly.
NOICE!

Whatever floats your sphincter ani externus, dude.

Ho Ho etc. Merry fucking X-mas, you're not special, handsome or clever.

[Elmdor Rizer]

Sadly I hear Elmdor's only playing tarot card-simulators there days, so you'll have to make do with just the one NES game.

Oh, man, you're totally gonna get an attainable widow, Cookies! ^________________________________________^

[Grouch]

Ho! Ho! Ho! As it turns out drinking gasoline just a few days before Christmas is apparently not that good of an idea. Long story short, I missed Christmas and no one got anything. Naturally I'm still going on 11,5 months of vacation, but I might as well wrap this up by declining all your wishes for next Christmas.
I hate cheese.
Ho Ho etc. Merry fucking X-mas, you're not special, handsome or clever.

I know what santa is getting next year

[Jazzmarazz]

Granted!

Too easy! I want a redo!

[deadlegion]

You're getting a sweater, assface.

But it's summer here atm

[leeman27534]

I want a hacksaw. kinda tired of those odd growths sticking out of the end of my legs they hurt and I'm cutting them off.

[steveaokixx]

Hi Santa! Can you introduce to me a girl (