Dear Santa...

[Santa Claws]

With a click and a clack,
and a great big ball sack.
Down through the chimney,
considering my size and my age - relatively nimbly.
Shaking my belly, like a bowl full of jelly.
Wobbling my wang, like a bowl full of flan - wait that doesn't really rhyme.
Anyhow, it's freaking Santa ya dumbasses.

The deal here is I've taken some time out of my busy program (Gilmore Girls re-runs, team Logan-for-Rory!!!), to give you cretins here at Emuparadise a rectal exam. So if you tell ol' Santa here what you're wishing for, come Christmas you'll see if there'll be presents galore. Or perhaps some of you have been all too naughty, in which case I might stop rhyming and just kick you in the gonads.

So don't be shy ya bell-ends, what do you want for Christmas?

[Ragnar]

Hi Santa. Can I please have an unlimited supply of hookers?

[Warrior]

Hi Santa. Can I please have an unlimited supply of hookers?

With a side of STDs please.

[Santa Claws]

Hi Santa. Can I please have an unlimited supply of hookers?

Ho, Ho, Ho! You've been a good boy this year, Ragnar! You've been helping out them newbies, brushing your teeth and you've also cut down on the My Little Ponies-hentai a bit! You are deserving of the very best presents but unfortunately we can't actually make living things in the North Pole Sweatshop. Also, nothing is unlimited, you jackass - especially not my patience with morons. Tell you what though, I'll do what I can and send some of the elves your way. It's Christmas-time for your penis. ^________^

[Grouch]

dear santa I would like a case of ginger flavored beer.

[geekqueen2010]

Dear Santa,
Can I get the Nimbus 200 broom that's from the Harry Potter Movie(the broom that makes flying noises and vibrates)?

[LeftyGuitar]

Dear Santa,

Can I get a PS4 and my own island? XD

[Ragnar]

Ho, Ho, Ho! You've been a good boy this year, Ragnar! You've been helping out them newbies, brushing your teeth and you've also cut down on the My Little Ponies-hentai a bit! You are deserving of the very best presents but unfortunately we can't actually make living things in the North Pole Sweatshop. Also, nothing is unlimited, you jackass - especially not my patience with morons. Tell you what though, I'll do what I can and send some of the elves your way. It's Christmas-time for your penis. ^________^

Nice! ... Uhh, male or female? I thought all your elves were male. But I guess I didn't specify a gender... Oh well, I just won't look to hard if they have a wang. Are they going to use my front door? Cause they're small people, and I don't want all my neighbors knowing thinking that I'm a pedophile.

[skullpoker]

You sir, on the other hand, have been very naughty. I read here on my palm about several instances of homophobia and not cleaning your ass properly. You're supposed to fold the TP, you little piss-ant, not squish it around randomly. Also, you look adopted. Therefore there will be nothing sexual about your present. Ebola. Just plain old ebola.

You must not know that men who have survived Ebola can still pass it through semen 6+ months later. I guess the North Pole isn't the most sexually enlightened place on the planet.

I would like to have a nice i7 laptop with all the most wonderful hardware for portable gaming, and none of that new-fangled Windows spyware. Please, Santa?

[Inferno.]

Dear Santa, please don't do weird things to my anus this year.

[deadlegion]

Let me see...

Dan's mam.
The hat that Clint Eastwood wore in A Fistful of Dollars.
A 1948 build Porsche 356 coupé (they have an aluminium body, not steel).
A complete working replica Deathstar.

[Cookie Monster]

Dear SantaWolvie,

I've tried to be a good monster this year, as good as monsters can be, so I'd like to get my very own Elmy to play NES and PS4 games with him all day. It may not be easy even for you, I realize it :/ but since it's the only thing I want, I won't accept anything but the real thing. No imitators, fakes, substitutes or alts, please.

Thanks

[Santa Claws]

dear santa I would like a case of ginger flavored beer.

Dear pisslips, I would like the moon to be made out of cheese. You wanna know what my moon-material-preferences accomplish? Diddlyfuck, that's what. Geez, some people...

On the plus side, you've been a sweet child this year. Helping old ladies pass the streets, just barely copping a feel. For Christmas this year you've deserved something nice, so I'll be bringing you all the ginger flavoured cider you can drink! Meaning two bottles maximum.

Dear Santa,
Can I get the Nimbus 200 broom that's from the Harry Potter Movie(the broom that makes flying noises and vibrates)?

For managing three posts on an online message board - all year!?!? Tsk, a non-brand, non-flying vibrator will have to do it for you.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

[Santa Claws]

Dear Santa,

Can I get a PS4 and my own island? XD

No. Seriously, no fucking way. See, this Christmas, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to bless you with my opinion of immigrants. And polar bears. They are fucking annoying, they steal our women and/or jobs, there's way too many of them but they are really delicious.

Meeeeerry Christmas, bud!

[Nemkoon]

Dear Santy Claws

All I want for Christmas is the answers to next semesters finals.
Maybe a computer that can run things.
Racoons
And you :3

Merry Christmas~